


I want to be your end but you've to let it begin

by galaxhyun



Series: You put my world upside down and it was exactly what I needed [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, M/M, a bit of angst? i guess, but i love it so here it is, honestly the best type of fic am i right, i cried and laughed while writing this, it's kinda stressfull ngl, oh and jun is the cutest little being, parties drinking and watching lots of tv, that's literally all that is, this fic is a long mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2018-12-12 12:18:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11736900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxhyun/pseuds/galaxhyun
Summary: Junhui is a uni student with a perfect life that's only missing one thing: some loveWonwoo is a lit graduate that has a lot of one thing: loveThey should know each other but they, for some reason, don't.They wish they hadn't met each other but they, for some reason, don't.They shouldn't have anything to offer to each other but they, for some reason, do.





	1. One

> _Junhui_

I watch as he goes left and right, back and forth. He walks from one side to the other, holding piles and piles of books. I should probably stop looking like a complete idiot, but he’s like a drug, I can’t bring my eyes to move off him. I, also, should be concentrating on both the book laying in front of me and Soonyoung, that has been saying something for the past two minutes but I have no idea what.

“So that’s how I killed a dragon with only a bra and two chocolate bars,” he finishes and, of course, that’s the only part I catch.

“What?”

He rolls his eyes. “I’ve been saying nonsenses for the past minute to see if you were here, and you obviously aren’t. Good Junnie, can’t you just ask him out?”

“Of course I can’t!” I raise my hands and drop them back to the table, hiding my face in between them. “I’d look like a fucking stalker.”

“You already do.”

I snore and aim to slap his arm but miss on purpose. He’s kind of right. I’ve been coming to the library with him for the past two weeks, as we’re working on a physics project. I love books but I hate crowded places, so before these last weeks, I’d only come, took the book I wanted and leave. I‘d never seen _him_ till I started to stay around. It had been Soonyoung’s idea, given the fact that both our dorms are always filled with lots of people, god, I really need to move. Anyway, it’s been two weeks of intense staring so far and I’m sure he has caught me more than once, but, like I said, I can’t bring myself to stop looking at him, he’s not just gorgeous, there’s something about him that obligates me not to move my eyes away. He must think I’m a creepy stalker, so asking for his number would be even creepier and someone this incredible can’t be single, there’s no way.

“If you’re not going to, then can we _please_ proceed with this? Even though my house is filled with other 5 hyperactive young adults, I’ve managed to sleep in there and I wanna go do that as soon as possible.”

So, because I love my best friend, and my life, I pay attention to him this this. My mind wants to drift away and so do my eyes, but I keep both in place and work on our paper. Being an astronomy major is the best decision I’ve ever made, way better than when I decided to live in a dorm with other 3 people, oh yeah, that was a big mistake.

After an hour, we finish with some paragraphs and decide that that’s it for today or otherwise we’re going to explode. Soonyoung says bye while putting his things away and I start picking up the books we used, which are spread around the whole table. When I have all of them in my hands, I start walking towards the Physics and Mathematics section. He’s not there, thankfully, or I’ll end up dropping every single book I’m holding. Another employee helps me put them back; I don’t know his name but he always helps me, he’s a really nice person. I thank him and smile on his direction, he smiles back. I’ll bring him something next time, I know it’s his job but I feel like doing something nice for him.

When I’m walking back to the table we were just using, I almost knock him down. He’s carrying a huge pile of books and I can barely see him behind it.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble, proud that I can even talk with him around.

“Don’t worry,” I catch a smile on his lips and _oh my fucking god my heart it’s going to explode._ He, of course, has the brightest and most incredible smile I’ve ever seen. The content of my stomach seems to disappear that exact second and I feel like flying and for fuck sake I need to calm down and stop staring at him.

I nod and walk on the other direction, my lungs looking desperately for the air that simple gesture he did stole from me. How can someone I don’t even know make me feel like this? I must be broken of something; this definitely can’t be normal, no-oh.

I take a deep breath and start walking towards the bus stop. _Stop; that’s exactly what my heart just did._ Shit, this feels incredibly similar to when you’re crushing on a celebrity. I just compared him with a celebrity? I did. I mean, he could be: he’s tall, his body proportions are unbelievable and his face must have been sculpted by an artist. Okay, do you see what I mean? I’m going insane.

I take my phone out of my pocket and suddenly start running. How the hell is it already this late? Hao is literally going to kill me. Thinking about it, I should stop running, because being killed doesn’t sound so bad. I sigh, I need help.

I reach the stop at the exact same time the bus enters my range of view. Well, a good one. I extend my hand and I start to think that if this is one of those fucking drivers that don’t stop when the bus is too full I’m going to throw myself under it. Thankfully for my dear life, the bus does stop and it’s nearly empty. I say hi to the man, press my card against the reader and take a sit not too far behind him. There are just 4 other people in here and it makes me question if today is a special day, a holiday maybe? Usually, buses are filled with people from top to bottom but mostly this bus, because it stops at uni.

I leave my mind fly back to what happened earlier and I hate myself for it so much I may actually slap my face, not on the bus though, or people will believe, just like me, that I’m mad. I want to know his name, I want to know it _so_ bad but, at the same time, I don’t. Even if he’s single, which I don’t think remotely possible, I could never date him. I’m still trying to accept who I am and that’s hard enough while being alone. Once I do that completely, then I can think about dating someone. But I can’t think about dating him, that’s unrealistic and stupid.

I lean my head against the window. It’s really hot but I don’t feel like opening it. I feel sad and I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t because he’s not a possibility, not for me and less than less now. He’s definitely a _no_ and I can’t think of him as a _maybe_ or as a _probably_ ; I love myself enough to ever think that.

I plug my earphones and hit play on Spotify without looking at what it’s playing. I don’t really feel like listening to music right now but I do need to keep my brain occupied on something less harmful than my inexistent love life. Some popular song it’s playing. I’ve heard it on the radio before and I don’t know who the artist is, but she has a nice voice and I allow myself to relax, not enough because I’m capable of falling asleep, but relax. The sweet tune covering my ears feels like a nice back hug, like a sweet kiss on the forehead. Those are the things I miss from home, that and the morning pancakes. It’s not like I can’t go back there, well, I can whenever I want but every time I do I feel like staying. And I can’t stay. Wow, I forbid myself from a lot of things, don’t I? I can’t stay because I’m starting a new life, a new and independent-from-my-parents life. It’s not like I don’t love them and love seeing them, after all, they dropped the entire life we’ve lived in China for many years just so I could come to uni here, but I want to be the owner of my decisions, my mistakes and my successes. Until I feel like the life I’m building is better than the life I’m leaving behind, I’m not going back. They understand that and I’m grateful they do.

The bus stops on a pretty familiar street and I run all the way to the front door. The driver smiles at me and opens it. I nod with a smile of my own and get out. The dance studio is on the third floor of a not really big building. I discovered it before starting my second semester of first year, just a few months after I arrived, and I have stuck to it since then. I take the stairs, still trying to clear out my head. I hate thinking of unnecessary things, but I hate it even more when I should be focusing on dancing. If I like something just as much as my career, that’s dancing.

I reach the studio’s door and swing it open, smiling genuinely and screaming. “HELLO!”

Everyone turns towards me, laughing. I’ve known this people, well, most of this people, for quite a long time so I don’t even feel a bit of shame around them anymore. I reach the side to leave my backpack and then I notice. My bag. It’s not here. I immediately panic. Where did I leave it? When was the last time I saw it? What did I do today? And so, it hits me. I was on the library. I stood up. I left the books back on their places. I crushed against handsome guy. I ran away. I never picked my bag. I slap myself mentally _and_ physically at the same time Minghao reaches my side.

“Are you okay?” he sounds genuinely worried and there’s also a smirk on his face. I’m so glad he’s my friend.

I nod. “I just forgot my bag on the library because I’m really stupid.”

He laughs. I love making Hao laugh. “You damn idiot. I have a friend that works there, Wonwoo, my roommate? So I can ask him for it and take it to your first class on Monday, how does that sound?”

I pretend to wipe a tear of my face. “What would I do without you?”

“Probably choke on a toast and die,” he shrugs and I laugh.

“What about _your_ first class though?”

He shrugs again. “It starts at 10, so no problem. Now, stop worrying and let’s dance. I want to finish the new choreography we’ve been working on.”

I nod and follow him deeper into the wooden floor. We always joke but in only 2 years Hao has become the closest friend I’ve ever had. We hang out a lot, never on his place or mine, I don’t know why. We drink coffee, laugh about life and keep our Chinese fresh, we’ve both promised to never forget it. He’s a nice, chill person that fitted with my shy personality at first and with my more out-there personality later. I don’t remember how my life was before he was in it, but I don’t really care. And, thanks to him I’ve met Mingyu, which also isn’t a bad thing. It’s the exact opposite. Mingyu is _incredible_. I don’t know how Hao got his hands on him and I’ve never asked because _they’re not together._

The tune to a familiar song reaches my ears and I forget about everything I’ve lived today.

 

 

> _Wonwoo_

When I finish putting back every single damn book on their place, I look around the library. We’ve already closed so right now, it’s the calmest place on the world. I close my eyes, enjoying the silence I don’t have at home. I like this silence. It’s a controlled one, because I know it’s going to be here every single day. I know how to wait for it. I know how to enjoy it. I always ask to be the one that closes because these moments of nothing are precious to me. I like them a lot. I don’t like silence at home, it’s awkward and unnatural.

I look around again, just to make sure everything is on place. A strange red lump calls my attention from the other side of the place. A bag. Someone must have forgotten it. As I move closer to it, I feel my phone vibrating on my front pocket. I look down at it. I frown, no one texts me at least my roommates need me to buy something but we went shopping last weekend so there’s anything they would need, not this soon. And Sally is about to see me to have dinner so there’s no need for her to text either.

 **Minghao:** My friend left his bag on the library. If you’re still there, can you bring it home?

I think about it for a second. Is this a prank? Those two love to prank people maybe as much as they love each other. When I reach for the backpack, I carefully open the zipper. The inside is way too neat to be Mingyu’s so I open it a little more. I feel a bit wrong doing this, but I reach for one of the notebooks. The handwriting of this person it’s just as neat as their bag, so it isn’t Minghao’s, his handwriting is a disaster. I’m suddenly intrigued by who the owner is, so I turn more pages until a paper drops to the floor. Leaving the notebook on top of the table, I bend over and reach for it. It’s a math test. Ugh, I hate math. They got a 10 on it and I’m impressed because that means that they either like it a lot or they cheated and both options are as unbelievable to me.

_Wen Junhui._

That’s his name. For some reason, I think I’ve heard it before but I can’t recall where. I probably just heard Hao saying it at home.

Home. I want to go home. I need a shower.

 **Me:** Sure, just grabbed it. Who’s making dinner?

I don’t know why I asked, Mingyu’s obviously making dinner. I put the backpack over one of my shoulders and reach for the door. I turn every light off and lock it. From the glass entrance, the library looks just like the reflection of a person’s heart. I have the key to it, so only I can open it and slid inside to read everything they feel and think. I like that thought. I should write it down.

 **Minghao:** Mingyu is at his parents so you cook.

I sigh. I hate Hao sometimes. Just sometimes. He’s actually a great person. Just not now. Now, I’d love to live with more than one person that can cook.

I sit on the driver’s sit of my car and stare at my phone again. I should text her and let her know I’m probably not going to make it.

 **Me:** Mingyu’s out, I’m the designated one to cook because Hao would probably burn the house down, I’m sorry baby. Can we see each other next week?

The answer comes in almost immediately.

 **Sally:** Do you think I’m going to oppose? I like your apartment without flames on it. Text me a pic so I can make you cook it for me next time, ily.

I laugh at her text and reply a quick _I love you too_ before pulling out the parking lot. The bag stares at me from the passenger sit and I really hope there’s not a bomb in there or Minghao is paying for my new car.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi~ it's an honor for me that you decided to read this!!  
> firstly, i'd love to point out that i wrote this fic after re-reading one of my fav books for the 15153 time, it's call Maybe Someday, check it out, it's amazing.  
> secondly, in case this is the first fic of mine you're reading, english it's NOT my first language so feel free to point out if something doesn't makes sence (nicely please, my heart is made of glass)  
> thirdly, i want to take my friend Mori (@MoriRusso on twitter) for correcting this mess, i love you baby.  
> finally, i have some chapters already written but a) i work and b) i study a math-based career so PLEASE, forgive me if i take too long to update.  
> 


	2. Two

 

> _Junhui_

I’m lying on the couch, that I can’t call _my_ couch because it’s not actually _my_ couch, and watching some random movie. I’m not really paying any attention to it and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m too distracted with the fact my bag is going to be on Minghao’s house for the entire weekend. Why didn’t I just offer to go look for it? Maybe because I’ve never been to his place before and we’ve been friends for two years, so that’s probably the reason why it didn’t cross my mind to go grab it.

Maybe Hao doesn’t want me there.

It shouldn’t bother me, it’s stupid, but it does a bit. We are friends, aren’t we?

I need to stop thinking about this, there’s no end to it. Maybe he just doesn’t like to have people there and that’s it. Mingyu is an exception because, well, he _lives_ there. Thinking about it, I haven’t seen that tall idiot on a while. Yes, I call him a tall idiot, he is. It’s not on a mean way, I like him, I just called him that once and it stuck. I don’t know, maybe I should ask him if it bothers him. Maybe.

I’ve been thinking a lot of _maybes_ lately. Why can I stick to things I know are for sure, why do I always have to go and consider all those _maybes_? It’s useless, a maybe it’s practically a no. Well, it’s also practically a yes, that’s the point of the world, but most of the time when something can be or happen, it’s a yes. A maybe it’s closer to be negative because you have to stop and think about it, because you have to stop and think _why_ it’s not automatically possible.

I turn to the TV again, focusing on the face that’s smiling to me from there. It’s a really cute girl. Ugh, sometimes I wish I liked girls. She’s not smiling anymore, maybe the dude standing next to her did something wrong.

 I decided to try something.

I turn the telly on mute. Suddenly, the usually noisy dorm is reduced to nothingness. It’s strange to be alone in here because there are always _too many_ people, not just my roommates but their friends. Today, there is only me. Everyone went away a few hours ago, to either parents’ or friends’ houses. It’s Saturday so it makes senses nobody wants to be on this deadass place but, again, I’m not going back to my parents’ house.

The girl on the screen starts crying and I decide it’s because she just realized the guy she’s been in love with is her cousin. I laugh at that, so tragic, I’m so apocalyptic. Said guy it’s looking dramatically at the horizon and I puff, he’s not the one that had just lost the love of his life. Jerk.

When the scene changes, the guy is joined by another one, talking about something I can obviously not hear. _He’s his drug dealer,_ I tell myself. How did this romantic drama suddenly become about a gang? Only my mind knows. The guy that’s not the girl’s cousin pulls out a phone. _It’s the one he uses to contact his clients_ and gives it to the one I assume it’s the protagonist; _he’s going to work for him now._

The scene changes then again and the girl is sitting on a couch, talking to an old man that looks pretty rich. _She’s the heiress of a big company of hotels, like in Gossip Girl._ They’re discussing something, how do I know? Because she stood up and is moving her hands all around while the old man seems conflicted. _She’s telling him that she doesn’t care the other dude is her cousin, she loves him anyway._ Finally, the grandfather stands up and she shuts up. _‘If you don’t give up on this childish love, I’m going to disinherit you’._ Damn, she better stops or she’s going to end as broke as me _._ The girl is crying again and I roll my eyes. I’ve been watching this movie for 10 minutes and she’s cried twice already.

I decide that inventing my own story is better than watching the actual one so an hour later when one of my roommates enters through the front door and stares at me wondering ‘what the actual fuck are you doing with the tv on mute?’ I smile.

“I was watching a movie in which a girl, who’s about to inherit a fortune and a huge company, is in love with her illegitimate cousin, who sells drugs to keep himself alive. He’s the product of an affair so he will get nothing from the grandpa’s money. But, when the old dude finally dies, the girl, that can’t forget his love for her cousin, gives him a lot of cash so he can stop dealing. He forms a family and she never gets married, leaving his children the fortune once she dies.”

Hansol is staring at me with wild but interested eyes and opens his mouth to say something but then closes it again. He repeats this process three more times until he just says “Let me know the name later,” and disappears to his room.

I laugh and click the blue button to reveal the movie’s name but, sadly, it’s already over. Sorry Hansol, maybe next time I invent a plot I’ll let you know what the name of the actual movie is.

I told before that I want to move and there are a few reason for that.

First of all, let me clarify that I _love_ my roommates; we’ve been living together for three months now and they are great people. The thing is, they’re just starting uni and like every single first year student, they’re really energetic, because their career hadn’t taken over their youth yet, and party a lot. I mean, I could complain but that was me while I was on first year too so I’ll be pretty hypocritical. They always treat me right and we have lunch or dinner together a lot of the time, but they’re living a different era of their lives right now that I’ve already gone through. I’d like to live with Soonyoung or Minghao, who have already passed that state and are as dead because of collage as me.

Secondly, my room is _tiny_ okay? I’m not being dramatic; I can barely fit anything in there. There are the bed, the smallest wardrobe in the history of wardrobes and a small stand that’s supposes to be a bedside table. The roof is at least high enough for me not to bump on it but if someone would ask me to give them a piggyback, it would probably end up with them opening their head in half with the old fan.

Finally, we have no good refrigeration or heating so summers are extremely hot and on winter we freeze our asses of. My roommates don’t really care because they’re younger and fit. Maybe almost three years don’t seem that much of a difference, but it is. They’re okay with it and even if they weren’t, the university has this ‘no remodel’ politic we can’t break at least we want to get kicked out.

So, there you go, Jun’s list for wanting to move. I have no job whatsoever right now because collage is kicking my ass and the time I don’t spend in there, I’m studying, sleeping, eating or all of the above to save time. Now that I think about it, Minghao isn’t working either, well; maybe sometime I should ask him how the hell he is paying for the apartment.

Which brings me to my backpack again and how everything I need to study is in there. I’m failing my first math exam of the year that I have on Wednesday, I know it. I may be using this as an excuse given the fact I was going to fail that exam anyway but hey, now at least I don’t have to blame my lack of study on it.

I stand up and open my room’s door. I want to go out for a while, even if it’s by myself. I’m pretty use to it, I like being alone. Not all the time because that makes me sad, but sometimes I need my own space, more than anytime now that there’s always someone around screaming.

It’s already 2pm so I change my pajamas for some comfy black jeans and a vest because February is always hot but this particular February is unbearable. It’s being 30° and up this last week and I feel like I’m constantly melting. I’ve always likes cold weather better, but every season has its advantages.

When I reach the ‘lobby’ of our building I realize that maybe black pants wasn’t the best idea but I’m too lazy to go back up. I used the lift because only on days like these, when nobody’s around, that’s possible. The sun is high on the sky, painting everything in bright and black colors. This is what I like about summer. The sun makes every day and every place look different even though it’s not. During these 3 months, I wake up to a room that never looks the same. Some days, the light enters directly to my face because there are no clouds out there to block its way or because I simply forget I’ve left the blinds open because the sky is so hazy it still seems night.

The street is almost completely empty but I’m not surprise. No human being on their right mind would be here right now but who said I wasn’t crazy? I pull out my phone while I walk down the street, which is probably a really bad idea.

 **Minghao:** I’m holding your bag right now. You better don’t have anything private here because I’m planning on throwing everything to the floor to find out your secrets.

I laugh at his text, of course he would.

 **Me:** Search all you want, I have nothing interesting in there. Oh well, maybe you’ll finally believe me when I tell you I have good marks.

 **Minghao:** as if.

I laugh again, putting the phone back on my pocket and keep walking to no particular place.

 

 

 

> _Wonwoo_

“What on Earth are you doing?”

Hao is sitting on the floor just in front of me. Why is he sitting on the floor when there are two armchairs and a couch on our living room? That’s exactly what I want to find out. It’s an incredibly hot summer and he’s wearing nothing more than a vest and some briefs. I would tell him to put some pants on but I’ve been living with the guy for three years and I know it would be pointless. More than that, it doesn’t even bothers me anymore; I’m completely use to it by now.

Without answering my question, he puts his phone down after reading a text, grabs his friend’s bag and turns it upside down with the zipper undone. Its whole content smashes on our floor: books, notebooks, a pencil case, some papers and some cash.

“Dude, what the hell?”

“I was just talking with Jun and I let him know I was going through his backpack,” he moves some sheets off a notebook and opens it. From my position, I can barely see anything and let’s not even think about reading but there are lots of colors in there. “I was hoping to find condoms or just a bottle of lube so I could tease him forever,” he sighs. “I hate he’s such a good boy.”

I laugh and part of that sentence sticks with me. I really don’t like assuming things but straight dudes don’t go around with lubricant on their bag’s pocket. Even though Hao didn’t find any, he thought he may, which means he knows this Jun guy is the type to need it.

For some reason I myself don’t get, I drop my weight next to my roommate on the floor and stare at the mess he has made. None of these books are from the library; I just know so; I pick one up and study it. It’s Dan Brown’s Inferno, a really good book, he has taste. Without really thinking about it, I peck inside and almost drop it back to the floor. He _writes_ on his books. He _writes_ in them. There are only two types of people that write in books: jerks and those who like to analyze them, like me. I’m scare to read the black ink (he even uses gel pens, oh god) because I don’t want him to be a jerk. Minghao is extremely picky when it comes to his friends, it took me three months to have a full and actual conversation with him, so when we talk people, Hao is the best to get them perfectly.

I read one annotation. An arrow is pointing to a world and the ink just wrote one, of I think is one, too but in Chinese. Wow, back up, so he’s from China? Maybe he’s been friends with Minghao since forever. I try to recall when and how often I hear his name, Jun. Both my roommates started to talk about him about two years ago, also calling him Junhui. So, he’s friends with both of them, okay. For some, idiotic, reason, I feel a bit left out, but it’s not the first time with this two. They share lots of friends, tastes and inside jokes so I, sometimes, feel like the third wheel. The fact that I know they’re dating, even though they keep denying it, makes me feel even worst because, what if I’m invading their couple space? I’ve thought about moving out more than once but, honestly, this apartment has become what I call home.

Moving my eyes to a sentence, this time on readable languages, I relax. He wrote a thought about something that happened on the book. The words make me smile because I do that too, I write what I think about something at certain point on the story so I can go back to it after I’ve finishes the whole thing. It’s useful to analyze how the writer adds information so you can finally understand everything just before the end. Is it that obvious that I studied literature?

Turning the page, I find more Chinese characters, some of them joined by an explanation, some by themselves. I also read lots of thoughts, assumptions and descriptions. For some reason, after going through an entire chapter, I feel like I know his guy a little. He’s cold when it comes to decisions and doesn’t write everything that’s on his mind, otherwise the pages would be a mess of black everywhere. He also never translates really easy or common words, he just does it for vocabulary or complex verbs, which makes me think he’s been living here for a while now. It’s so weird how I feel like I just met a person I’ve never seen before but you can understand a lot about someone and the way their mind works just by how and what they write. Right now, I’m incredibly intrigued to get to know this Jun dude that thinks before writing and speaks two languages.

“Earth to Wonwoo?” Minghao’s voice brings me back to reality and I leave the book on the ground.

“Yes?”

“Nothing, I was wondering if you were planning on eating Junnie’s book because of how intensely you were staring.”

I laugh. Junnie, cute. “Nope, I was just trying to figure out why he writes on his books. Did you meet him back in China?”

Hao shakes his head. “We met almost two years ago by chance. It also happened we’re both Chinese, it was almost an instant connection.”

“Don’t let Gyu hear you say that.”

He rolls his eyes. “Ajam, whatever. Going back to the important topic, we used to live in different parts of China and he doesn’t go back anymore because his whole family moved here too, unlike mine. Well, it’s not like _I_ go back there.”

It is weird for him to talk about himself so I hesitate for a moment before asking “Do you miss your family?”

Silence. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. But he speaks to me after a few seconds and I’m glad he does. “Honestly, no, I don’t. Maybe it’s weird for you because your family is literally a gift from above but mine’s kind of shit. I’m not complaining, they let me move here all by myself, you know, but sometimes I feel like they don’t give a crap about me, what happens in my life and how I am living.”

I want to pat his back but I know Hao is not than keen of human interaction and skinship. However, he’s close to me on the floor so I extend my hand and tousle his hair a little, taking it for a win when he doesn’t move away. I’m so use to his cool personality that I usually forget he’s three years younger than me. “I want to say that they’re your family and they love you, but I know that’s not what you want to hear. Sometimes, even though someone is family, they’re pretty shit to us, like my grandma. But you know what, Hao? In some occasions, we are the ones making our family, maybe a lover, maybe friends, but someone that makes us feel like we have a place to return to, as cheesy as it sounds.”

He smiles at me and for a few seconds, he looks small and unprotected. The words I just told him are completely true to me and I believe in them. I have a family back at the house I grew up in, my parents, my brothers, but I also have a family here, Mingyu, Minghao, Sally.

I stare down at Jun’s stuff and realize he’s home to Hao just like we are and, maybe, that’s why I want to meet him so bad. If he’s family to my family, it means he _has_ to be a nice person, more than anything because he’s family to none other than Xu Minghao.

He packs everything back and excuses himself to his room, next to mine, which he barely uses. They think I’m blind but the only bedroom they use is Mingyu’s.

The living room is back to silence and I feel uncomfortable. While I turn the TV on, I pull my phone off my pocket.

 **Sally:** How’s your weekend going? I can’t believe I’ll be leaving in a few days!!

I want to smile at the message but I can’t, I don’t want her to leave but I so want her to leave, my mind is a mess.

 **Me:** if you don’t bring candy, I’m breaking up with you.

She’s going. She’s going to be gone for 6 months. How can I live with this? I’m so used to see her every weekend, now I hate them. Yes, I hate weekends. Weekends without Sally aren’t weekends, they’re shit and I don’t want to live through them. But she’s following her dreams and this opportunity is unbelievable so I’m happy for her at the same time. See? A mess.

I throw the phone on the pillow next to me, closing my eyes and looking to the ceiling. I rub them with my fingers, trying to relax and think about anything but this. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t so in love with her. But I am.

I don’t even know what’s going on with the movie that’s playing, but I do this a lot, I hate complete silences when I’m at home, I can’t stand them and I feel awkward. I’m 24 years old but who could tell? Not me.

My eyes travel back to Jun’s red backpack. Why am I so intrigued by him? Why do I want to meet him so bad? This train of thought is taking me nowhere so I just drop it. I want to meet my best friend’s best friend, that’s it.

God, this is going to be a long weekend.

 

“Wonwoo!! Jeon Wonwoo!! Move your ass over here _right now_.”

I snort as Mingyu’s screams reach my bedroom. Can‘t someone just chill on their free Sunday afternoon? Apparently, not on this house. Standing to my feet, I give my bed a last lovable look and walk out.

Our apartment is easy to describe. The kitchen and the living room are connected. We have no table so we just eat on the couch or on the island counters. There are two doors at each side, leading to bedrooms and one inside them to the bathroom. Passing the living room is the main door and that’s it, easy.

Mingyu is standing in front of the fridge. He’s wearing some sport shorts and a plain grey t-shirt I’m pretty sure was mine at some point but it had changed owners so much (the three of us owned it at some point) that I don’t even remember who bought it on the first place. His arms are crossed over his chest and he seems angry. Ups, time to go back to where I came from.

However, getting away from Kim Mingyu isn’t that easy and is even more complicated if he knows you as well as he know me. As soon as I turn around, there’s a hand pulling me from my shirt’s collar.

I cough and touch my neck while facing my roommate. “What the fuck Mingyu! You have Minghao for your chocking kick.”

He punches me on my ribs, okay, maybe I deserve that one. I’m miserable, okay? Please don’t judge. The love of my life is leaving in five days and I cannot even process it yet.

“It was your turn to do the dishes, you asshole.”

Oh, that. I exhale deeply and turn to the sink, picking up the sponge and a white plate that’s so clean already it seemed like it was never used, Mingyu’s plate.

“Are you okay?”

He’s leaning his body against the counter and I close my eyes, thinking how to answer. “I don’t know.”

“You should tell her.”

“Mingyu—”

“Yes, I know. ‘We’ve already have this conversation, Mingyu. I want her to be happy and if that means she’s going to go to Greece for six month, then I’m not telling her anything’.”

I roll my eyes. “If you know what I’m going to say, why do you keep bringing the topic up?

“Because,” he comes closer, placing a hand on my back, “you’re my best friend and I’m worried sick about you. She’s your everything, Won.”

I smile at him while washing the detergent off some glasses. “She is, but she isn’t my whole life, that would be sad. I have a job, a place to drop dead and amazing friends so it’s fine, it really is man. I’m going to be sad for a while but it’s not like she’s not coming back anymore, there are some months without her, she hasn’t died.”

Mingyu laughs at my statement and I smile wildly. I don’t remember how my life used to be without him on it. We’ve know each other since third year of high school and, like Minghao said about Jun, clicked immediately. Our personalities are incredibly different and we make each other mad all the time, but he’s also the love of my life. Sally is the love of my romantic life, but Mingyu is my soulmate in the, em, how can I explain it? I love him so much is surreal but I wouldn’t date him on a million years, we’d end up killing each other in no time. He means everything and more to me, that’s what I’m trying to say. I mean, don’t you think that you can use the expression ‘the love of my life’ in a non-romantic way? Because I do to describe him. Humans love in very diverse ways and I love Mingyu in a lot of them, he’s my brother, my best friend, like he just said, my everything.

“Are you two fucking on the kitchen again?” Hao says while coming out of his room. I want to shout at him he’s no face, but I don’t. If they say they’re not dating, then they’re not. “God, we really need another roommate.”

Mingyu rolls his eyes but moves from my side to Minghao’s, resting his arms on the other’s shoulder. “We aren’t discussing this again.”

“What aren’t we discussing again?” I leave the last glass on the small metal thingy we have for the dishes to dry.

“Junhui,” they both say at the same time.

“You want him to move in?”

“I do!” Mingyu says, enthusiastic like a puppy.

“And you don’t?” I direct my question to Hao with a brow raised.

“Of course I do, it’s just, it’s too complicated.”

“Because?”

Minghao turns around, walking to his room again and smashing the door. Mingyu sighs and rubs his face with a hand.

“Don’t ask.”

And like that, he disappears after his, not, boyfriend and I’m left standing on the kitchen, alone on a Sunday afternoon, entirely confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this at work, so this is for you Sofi, ily.


	3. Three

> _Junhui_

My Monday morning isn’t going as I expected it to go. First of all, I was the last one to wake up in the dorm. Chan made coffee and some toast, so I’m having a nice and quiet breakfast until I look at my phone and spit the brown hot drink all over the counters. It is _incredibly_ late and when I say incredibly, I mean it. I have already missed my first class of the day and I never miss classes, I hate it.

Secondly, I have several text messages.

 **Soonyoung:** Junnie, where are you? Are you feeling sick?  
**Soonyoung:** I took notes for both of us, lunch is on you.

 **Minghao:** Junnie, I went to your faculty but you weren’t there, are you feeling alright?  
**Minghao:** I saw Soonyoung but he was running late for some class so I couldn’t give him your bag. Wonwoo will drop by when you text me for him to. Really, are you sick? Have you died? Can I have all your stuff?

 **Seungkwan** : I didn’t wake you because you looked like you needed some extra sleep, I’m sorry, I love you.

I answer to Minghao first, letting him know I’ll be at uni in 15 minutes, ask for him to thank this Wonwoo dude for me and no, he can’t have my stuff. I reassure both him and Soonyoung that I’m alright, I just overslept. Then, I thank Seungkwan for letting me sleep more but ask him to wake me up next time.

I quickly change into some light jeans and a white shirt with something written on it in black, pick my keys (that, thankfully, just as my wallet, weren’t on my backpack) and close the dorm’s door. Running floors of stairs and blocks isn’t ideal after breakfast and when you’ve only been up for 20 minutes but hey, uni student life.

I arrive at the campus in no time and stop in front of my faculty’s front door, resting my whole weight on my knees and looking down, recovering the air my lungs have lost on the last few minutes of speeding here. My legs are still hurting from Friday’s practice because Hao and I are trying some new things that my body isn’t used to. Well, that sounded bad but I meant _dancing_ things.

I realize that I have no clue how this Wonwoo looks like and, does he even know how I look like? I doubt it. I’ve been hearing about him for such a long time, I’m kind of excited to finally be able to meet him. I know he’s been Mingyu’s best friend since like, forever. He already graduated university and Hao has been living with him since before his first year. More than that, he’s a complete mystery for me. I mean, I don’t even know what color his hair is.

I check my phone, it’s just 10 minutes to my next, or should I say first, class and I really hope he arrives because I have nothing with me and I _need_ my notes.

“Wow,” I hear a girl say while she passes next to me and, for some reason, I look up.

My lungs choose that exact moment to take a low cost flight to the Bahamas.

 _He_ is here, why the hell is he here? He’s wearing some black pants and a grey shirt that’s opened on the top and lets part of his collarbone and neck pretty exposed. If my lungs were still around, I would inhale deeply because he looks stunning. He has sunglasses on as well, so I can’t see where he’s looking at, but I really hope he hasn’t spotted me yet so I can run and pretend this never happened.

But, of course, life hates me.

Even though I can’t look at him directly, I can feel his stare burning my face and maybe that’s the reason why I actually feel as if I was on fire. A smile starts growing on his lips and my heart joins my other essential organs on their trip.

But everything turns out even weirder when he walks my way. _There’s someone he knows around, he’s not walking towards me, of course he isn’t._ But I know I’m alone, not a single person is close enough for him to walk this straight here. Someone please call 911.

“Hi!” his voice is as perfect as he is and now that I’m a bit more, a bit, prepared that I was last week, I can really appreciate it. It’s incredibly deep but sweet, not at all intimidating. But I’m intimidated, maybe because of the power he has over me and isn’t even aware of. I nod at him. “Do you know a person called Wen Junhui? He studies here.”

Okay, I’ve never had an opinion about my name because, you know, I don’t hate it but I don’t think it’s cool either. Right now, I think is the best name in the entire universe and I bless my parents for choosing a name that sound so good with Wonwoo’s voice.

“That’s me,” my voice doesn’t break or even shake and I pat my back mentally.

“Oh,” he sounds really surprised but there’s not even a small trade of disappointment, so one of my useless lungs decides it’s time to come back and I breathe, a little, for the first time in the last 5 minutes. “Well, nice to meet you, Junhui.”

I relax a bit, reminding myself that he’s just another human being and smile a little. “Nice to meet you too, Jeon Wonwoo.”

He chuckles a little and I lose it again. My, how can a simple sound be so beautiful? I need to google it later. “Well, after two years of hearing your name everywhere, now I can put a face to it,” his smile is just as gorgeous as his laugh.

My own smile grows. “Yeah, I think the same, it was like a ghost. You’re always there but I couldn’t really see you.”

He laughs again and I join this time. He extends his hand and hands me my backpack. “I think this is yours.”

I grab it from the other side, not touching him. “It is, indeed. Thank you very much for coming all the way here to deliver it to me.”

A small nod and suddenly, I don’t know what else to add. I consider saying goodbye and go inside but he sighs and talks again. “I saw one of your books. Minghao dropped everything to the floor and it caught my attention. I feel like I need to a) apologize because that’s something personal and b) complement you because you do amazing analysis and deductions.”

My cheeks start to burn again and I just know how red my ears are right now. Even if it should, it doesn’t actually bother me that he read about it. I mean, nobody has read any of that before, but he works on a library so he has to know about books, I guess, so I feel fluttered.

“Thank you. I started it to get better with the language and it just stuck.”

He nods, the smile never leaving his lips. “I saw your Chinese notes too. If I didn’t know beforehand, I wouldn’t be able to tell you’re a foreigner, your accent is only noticeable if I pay close attention to it.”

I scratch my forehead with a finger, trying to hide how happy that comment made me. “Thank you very much.”

“Well, I should leave, my shift starts in a few minutes.”

Now, I’m the one nodding. “My class is about to start too, so, em, thank you again.”

“Just call me Wonwoo,” he pulls out his phone, lights the screen and puts it back. “You’re welcome, it was really nice to meet you.”

“Yes, same.”

He waves at me and I wave back, turning around and entering my faculty. My heart is beating a hundred beats per second but I don’t care, because I’m not struggling to breathe and I was actually able to keep a conversation with a stranger without stuttering. I smile because, today, I’m proud of myself.

 

“Why so smiley?”

I’m sitting on the couch, going through my phone and just chilling. Hansol drops his weight next to me and his head finds its way to my lap. I lock my phone and pass my fingers through his blonde locks. His hair is soft and easy to stroke, everyone in the dorm has a _thing_ for it and the young one doesn’t seem to care.

“I had a good day today, how about you?”

“Well, collage is kicking my ass.”

I chuckle. “Oh, believe me, I understand perfectly.”

“Why did I decide to study architecture?”

I continue playing with his hair and, even though he’s complaining, his body is relaxed. “Because you like it. And you’re amazing at it, so no grumbles.”

A small giggle escapes his lips and we stay there for a while, enjoying the silence. I like this about him, how we talk when we want or need too and just appreciate each other’s company without saying a world some other times. He closes his eyes and moves sideways, giving me more access and finding a more comfortable position. I close my eyes as well; think about how nice a nap would be and about other thinks too. I don’t have practice until Wednesday, but I miss Hao and I want to talk with him about something.

“Jun?” Hansol’s voice sounds sleepy, just as I feel, so I simply answer with an ‘mmh?’ “Have you ever been in love?”

I think about it carefully for a few second and shake my head even though he can’t see me. “No, I haven’t.”

“Because there’s this girl in my class and I just can’t stop thinking about her, her smile, her cute dark eyes, her straight dark brown hair… I think I like her.”

I smile to the ceiling. “Well, there’s a big difference between liking someone and being in love with them. First of all, you can’t be in love with someone you don’t have a close relationship with, I think. Love is composed by lot of things and you can’t love a person you don’t know, even though you can _like_ a person you don’t know. When it comes to falling in love, you fall for everything that person is, you understand what they’re as a whole being and, I’m not necessarily saying you need to _like_ every aspect of theirs, but you need to at least know them to be able to put them on a balance, to compare if the things you love about them are more than the ones you don’t. Being in love is complex but, most of all, it takes time.”

I can feel him nodding on my lap. “Jun?” he repeats.

“Yep?”

“Do you like guys?”

The question startles me but the smile doesn’t leave my lips. “I do.”

“It’s because we’re hot.”

I laugh while shaking my head. “We are, aren’t we?”

 

> _Wonwoo_

While I’m putting some books back, my mind travels back to Wen Junhui. Is it weird that I find him extremely cute? Not really, I just think that, case closed.

It isn’t that early anymore but there’s practically no one here. Sometimes, because I work on campus, I miss university; they were the best years of my life. It’s been less than a year since I finished it but it feels like forever. I’m thankful I got a job right away and that I can pay Mingyu the rent now (which is less than half of what the actual rent cost) but sometimes I wish I could go back a few years prior and live them again because, who wouldn’t want to live the best years of their life so far twice?

A girl, who must be a first or second year, ask me for a book she can’t reach. She’s small and her hair is almost orange, cute. For some reason, she makes me think about Jun again. He’s obviously shy, his cheeks were red for the entire conversation, his accent is small but definitely still there and, generally, he seems like an interesting person. I wonder, why hasn’t Hao invited him over? Or Mingyu? We rarely have people over but I know for sure he’s close with both of them.

It’s my turn to catalogue the new books so I stand next to the first computer I find with a box filled with new stories waiting to be discovered. I’m on the tenth book when I finally lift my eyes from the screen. I can tell it passes more time than I realized because the tables are starting to get full.

I smile.

Jun is sitting not very far from where I’m working, wearing the same I saw him in some hours ago. He’s joined by the guy he’s always with, I like his hair, it’s really black. They’re probably working on a project, I can tell thanks to the amount of books always in front of them. His friend has his back to me but I’m sure he’s talking because Jun is staring directly at his face and nodding. He must have said something funny because, even though I can’t listen, I see him laugh. My mind completes the image with the sound of his laughter I remember from earlier and I smile to myself, going back to work.

After I finish listing all the books into the system as well as in their correct categories, I pick up the box under one arm and walk towards the receptionist’s desk. When I pass next to his table, I wave.

He looks stunned for a moment but then just waves back. His friend catches his action and moves his eyes on my direction. Actually, I don’t know what to do, I’ve always been shit with human interaction, but before I can t6hink he imitates Jun and waves at me as well. Smiling, I give the gesture back, careful not to drop the heavy box in the process.

The receptionist, Tom, a guy on his forties that knows more about books that Wikipedia, receives my package and indicates for me to take the ones on the tables back to their places.

By now, the library is almost completely empty and the last rays of sunshine cross through the high windows. The place, at this time of the day, looks directly out of a fairy tale or a princess movie. The shelves are tall enough for me to need a ladder if I want to reach the highest ones. The ceiling is about five meter above the ground, which makes the walls way taller than normal. They’re painted in cream and the windows, that decorate the top half, are coffee brown. Everything is on the brown color scale so the whole room is aesthetically pleasing to see. The only colors come from the book’s covers, creating different rainbows on their shelves. I love this place, are you able to tell?

When the time to leave comes, I consider telling Jun if he wants to drop by and have dinner with us but he’s gone. His friend is picking all the books they used and I walk towards him, picking half the pile he’s holding.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t worry,” I smile back at his own and we walk into the Physics and Mathematics section.

“So, you’re friends with Hao and Gyu?

It’s weird for me to hear their nicknames on a voice I don’t know but that must mean he’s also friends with them. “Yes, I’m Wonwoo.”

“Nice to finally meet you,” he puts two books back. “I’m Soonyoung.”

I think I’ve heard his name before, like, 90% sure, I’m bad with names. “Nice to meet you too.”

While we finish putting everything back to its place, I learn that he studies Astronomy and so does Jun, that’s how they met. They’re in third year, just two to go. They live on the university’s dorm, _but sadly not in the same one,_ he clarifies to me. They’re 21, the same age as Hao. I also let him know about me, that I studied Literature and finished my career last December, that I’ve known Mingyu for an incredibly long time and knowing him means knowing Minghao.

He pulls out his phone and breathes a curse. “Jihoon is going to kill me,” sighing, he turns to the door. “Bye, Jeon Wonwoo.”

I wave goodbye and take my own phone out of my back pocket.

 **Sally:** I’ll be there by 21.30, you better tell Mingyu to cook something amazing.

I smile at the text, say bye to Tom and exit the place.

 

“Mingyu, honestly, if I wasn’t so in love with Wonwoo, I’ll propose to you.”

The three of us laugh and I hug her from behind, which is a bit difficult because I’m sitting _next_ to her, and try not to make her drop her plate. We claimed the couch while my two roommates took an armchair each. “At least choose Hao, he’s cuter.”

“Hey!” Mingyu protests half-assed, I know he shares my opinion.

“I am,” Minghao confirms after swallowing a potato. “But I can’t cook for shit.”

I nod, putting the best poker face I have. “Believe us, we know.”

Unfortunately for my thigh, I’m sitting at the perfect distance to punch it and I leave out a high ‘ouch’ that makes Sally chuckle.

“Hao here is marrying Jun, even if he says no,” he’s smiling and there’s no trace of bitterness or jealousy on his voice.

“Of course!” the youngest drops his empty plate on our short wooden table. “He’s a better cook than your because he can make _proper_ Chinese food,” seeming pleased with his comeback, he aims to grab a glass he never reaches because Mingyu throws a pillow at his face.

Sally, that has now moved to be sat in between my legs, laughs louder. “Then, if I wasn’t so in love with Wonwoo, I’ll propose to Junhui.”

Minghao pouts. “Jun is mine.”

My other roommate, that has just left the plates on the sink, sits on the floor, resting his back on the Chinese legs. Unconsciously, or that’s what I think, the latter moves his hand to caress his mane. “I have to correct you; I think Jun is Soonyoung’s.”

I open my eyes wildly and I’m about to ask in which way they mean it when Hao wins me. “I told you, he’s dating Jihoon so he can’t have Jun, he’s mine now.”

Okay, I’m lost. I tilde my head and look at Sally, who raises her brow, she’s as lost as me. Well, she’s actually more lost because I now actually can put faces to some of these people.

“Well, I’m with Hao in this one,” the two of them look at me as if I’ve grown a second head and I simply shrug. “Soonyoung didn’t mention anything about him dating Jun but he did say Jihoon was going to kill him.”

What I hope will explain just makes them look even more confused. “You know him?”

“Met them today.”

“Oh, right, you went to deliver Junnie’s bag,” Mingyu squeezes the younger’s hand but I pretend not to notice like I always do.

“Wait, you got to know the famous Junhui and I didn’t? Nooooo,” she drops herself on top of me, pressing her hand against her forehead.

Mingyu and Minghao laugh, and the latter lets out a “He’s just a guy.”

I shake my head while she gets back to sitting position. “He’s your best friend and you two have been talking about him non-stop for the past two years. We,” I point at both mine and Sally’s face, “are curious, that’s it. He seems pretty cool.”

Hao smiles but there’s something behind it. “He is.”

I don’t understand why he looks so sad but before I can change to a safer topic, Sally says “Can we invite him to the goodbye party?”

My eyes are on Mingyu because I always notice the changes on him, even the smallest ones. His back is now straight and I can just _tell_ he’s tense. Tense Mingyu can’t mean anything good. Moving back to Hao, I understand his reaction. Sally isn’t going to notice but I do, because I’ve known him for three years. His expression hasn’t changed, but it has. His lips are tighter and his eyes look sadder and, honestly, I don’t know what it seems like the air just stopped.

“I don’t think so,” his voice sound almost the same, but it’s not. It’s colder but not of anger, it’s colder of sadness but, again, I don’t think Sally realizes. “It’s on Wednesday and we have practice. I’m skipping because you’re important to me but dance is important to Jun. Also, he’s still at uni and hates missing classes. I know him too well; he’ll come if you invite him even though he doesn’t know you.”

He wasn’t impolite but, for some reason, I feel like punching him. I don’t though, I don’t support violence and after years of wushu, he’ll probably break my arm before I can even move a millimeter.

Sally is nodding in acceptance. “You’re right; I just wish I could meet him before leaving.”

Now Minghao’s expression does change to a clearly pained one and I want to high five my girlfriend because she’s the queen of persuasion.

That exact second, Hao’s phone rings. He reaches for it and, when seeing the screen, a smile washes off everything else. He stands up; careful enough not to kick Mingyu in the process, and picks up while walking to his barely used room.

“Hey Junnie. No, it’s fine, I just finished. Yes, of course,” and the door shuts close before I can’t completely understand everything that happened on the last 10 minutes. Mingyu shakes his head and it just _hits_ me while Sally walks to the kitchen so she can leave the glasses we used on the sink.

I want to ask my best friend why he never told me but I realize he did, he has been telling me for the last three years. Noticing this doesn’t help at all, I just feel worse. How could I be so stupid? How is that I didn’t recognize something so obvious? The answers of all of my questions about my roommates and their relationship have been in front of my eyes all the time but I was too dumb and stubborn to notice.

Sally is going out with her friends tonight so I say goodbye to her with a kiss at our apartment’s door. She’s 20cm shorter than me and I steal another kiss on the top of her caramel mane before she turns around to go down to her car. I‘d be lying if I told you I don’t want her to say overnight but today, I think it’s better she has to go.

When I go back in, Gyu is sitting where I was just moments before. He changed to his pajamas already and it’s doing zapping on the TV. I find my spot next to him and stare at Minghao’s door, but there’s no sign of him. Perfect.

“I’m sorry,” it comes out as barely a whisper but I know he heard me when he turns around wearing a puzzled expression.

“Why are you apologizing for?”

“The last three years I really thought you two, well, we all did. I don’t know how the hell I was so blind, I _live_ with you.”

He leaves out a small giggle. “Finally! Took you long enough. I was tired of you going on and on about us being a couple.”

I bring my eyebrows into a frown. “Why are you laughing?”

Still smiling, he turns to me. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because you are in love with him?”

The smile weakens a bit. “Am I?”

“Mingyu, come on! Unrequited love is shit but if you don’t even admit that to yourself, it’s going to be worse. Please open up to me.”

Now, the smile has disappeared from his face completely and the troubled expression is back. “Wait, unrequited love?”

“Yes, I mean, I don’t know how you get along with Jun so well.”

His face lights up as if he suddenly understands how the universe was created. “You think I’m in love with Hao but he’s in love with Jun.”

I nod because that’s exactly what I think but he’s back to laughing.

“Oh god, never let Hao hear you saying that, okay? He’d burn his fist on your beautiful face. I can’t deny he loves Jun, but in the way _we_ love each other, not in the way you and Sally love each other. They are best friends and Jun is incredibly important to Hao, but I think he’d prefer to date you before him, honestly.”

I process everything and think, we’re back at square one. “So he’s not in love with Jun?”

“Nope.”

“So why was he so uncomfortable when I mention I had met him?”

He bites his thumb and considers his answer for a second. “That’s for him to tell you.”

I nod again. “So, you’re really not dating,” he nods back. “And you’re not in love with each other, okay.”

His expression darkens. “I never said that.”

I sigh. “Can you, for once, be _clear_ and tell me what the actual fuck is going on between the two of you.”

He passes a hand through his hair. “We’ve always been like this, before we, em, made everything too complicated. He sleeps in my bed since the moment we moved here and we hug more than normal friends do. But, he came one day and told me he was in love with me. I didn’t really know how to react but he, on his typical Minghao style told me to ‘just deal with it, I’m not going to assault you or anything,” I can totally imagine Hao saying that. “But we both know him, Wonwoo. He makes himself look tough as if nothing could affect him, but he has an amazing heart and it’s an actual romantic. And I was already in love with him, even before I realized. But we’re not dating,” he adds when I open my mouth. “We’re just too scared to screw everything up so we’re going… slowly. We’re trying and figuring stuff out.”

Fucking finally. I’ve waited so long to know what it’s going on in this house, I feel as an enormous weight is lifted from my shoulders. “Oh, okay.”

He rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling again. “That’s all you have to say?”

“To be honest, I don’t know what else to say.”

Nodding, he focuses back into the TV. Sometimes, I forget love isn’t as easy to everyone as it is for Sally and me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what would i be without mora? probably nothing.  
> i corrected this instead of doing my uni's hw, yay.  
> if you want to hmu here's my [tumblr](http://stxrryjin.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/stxrryjin) that i use way more, goodnight (it's night here)


	4. Four

> _Junhui_

Sometimes, I think being friends with Minghao is a mistake, like right now. We’re in the middle of March but the heat hasn’t eased at all. The ac on the practice room is at 20°C and we’re lying on the ground, catching our breath back. After months of arduous practice, our new choreography is complete. It’s different from everything we’ve done before and way more difficult. When I say ‘done’, it means that we’ve finished it, not that we can actually preform it without crashing our heads every 5 steps and break all the fabrics we try. However, it's finished and I'm so happy and proud of it I could start crying right now (I won't, don't worry).

Minghao is breathing heavily on his spot next to mine on the floor. I turn around to catch a sight of him. His eyes are closed and his chest moves quickly up and down, claiming the air it lost, his lips are barely apart, helping his nose on its work. He looks cute so I roll over my back and drop half my chest on top of him, hugging his neck. He moans and tries half-assed to shove me away but I just giggle because I know he loves the contact.

"We're incredible," my voice sounds too husky because I'm fucking tired, but I don't really care.

He laughs, filled with joy. "We are, aren't we? The best dancers in the world!" He throws his fists up in victory and I laugh too.

But super happy Hao, how Mingyu and I call this state of our best friend, is a dangerous Hao. When he's _too_ happy, he tends to do idiotic and radical things like getting a piercing (it has happened before). As we both love him too much, we put our own skin in danger so that he doesn't go and buy a car (he's tried).

This time around, the bomb falls on me, of course. He opens his eyes and says out of fucking nowhere "Let's dye our hair!!"

Shit. I sigh, thinking of a good excuse to let him down politely. I like my hair, I mean, it's okay. "Hao—"

"Oh, come on Junnie, it's going to be fun!"

"I doubt it."

He pouts. "You're gonna look like a prince."

I chuckle but shake my head. "Thanks, but I'm not letting you burn my head off, Xu Minghao."

His pout intensifies and he adds sad and begging eyes. I hate him. "Junnie, be crazy once in your life."

I want to argue that I'm crazy from time to time but I don't, it would be a lie and if someone knows that as well as me, it's him. Sighing again and rolling my eyes, I accept with a small "yes".

Hao is so overjoyed he stands up fast, almost sending me directly to the ground. He makes a little jump and I can almost _see_ his entire body shaking _. "_ I know the exact color that will fit you! We'll need Gyu's help because I can't do all by myself, oh! And we need a place to do it! Here's no good because there’s no shower and, if I remember correctly, you said your bathroom was the size of a kettle," his expression darkens and I can see his happiness dropping 4 kilometers into the center of Earth because he reached the same conclusion I did a few moments ago. "So that only leaves my apartment."

He sounds almost heartbroken and I really want to ask what the big deal with me and his place is but I don't.

"My bathroom isn't _that_ small and I can shoo the guys out, I mean, if we do it on a weekend, it won't take too much work," my bathroom is actually tiny and I don't think the two of us will fit there, but hey, all for friendship.

His eyes find mine for a second and I catch such strong determination in them I feel intimidated. I've never told this to him, but Minghao is probably the person I admire most in the entire universe, having strength I will never in a million years be able to achieve. He seems to hold his life in perfect balance; even after all he has been through. "No, it's fine, let's do it in mine, our bathrooms are gigantic."

I want to replay this moment a thousand times until it sinks in because I'm sure I didn't hear his correctly. Why now? Why did he decide it was a good moment? It's been two years of dodging his place like it has the flu.

Looking straight into his eyes, I ask "Is it really okay?"

He nods but I can feel his body tensing, I don't like it. Standing back on my two feet, I hug him out of nowhere for the second time today but now he doesn't even pretend to be trying to get reed of me. His breathing is calm again and so is his heartbeat. Curiosity is killing me but I know he's going to tell me when he feels ready to, just like he did when it came to his family, tattoos and sexuality. Hao talks about certain things just when he feels the moments is correct for him to and I've to wait instead of asking, most of the time at least.

His face is buried on my collarbone and the air leaving his lips when his whispers make me ticklish but it feels right, it feels like home. "I love you, Junnie."

I smile brightly. "I love you more."

 

Okay so, maybe Minghao hasn't invited me to his place earlier on because he was worried I'd be jealous and I'm trying to convince myself I'm not, but it's not particularly working.

The subway that stops a block from campus brought me here in 15 minutes, every uni student's dream. The neighborhood is _gorgeous_ , believe me. There are beautiful houses decorated with every type of plant and tree that exists and, even though Hao's block is four away from a main avenue, it's pretty silent on a comforting way, you know, small conversations and music that reassures me I'm not on a zombie apocalypse movie.

The building where they live is small, with only six floors. The exterior is all white except for the flowers hanging from the windows that, I must add, are _huge_. I'm not even inside and I already want to live here. A man says hello to me in the lobby and I answer to his greeting before asking where the elevators are. He guides me with his hand and I thank him, is there anything wrong about this place? It's better than a 5 star hotel.

There’s no elevator music, thank god, and I arrive at floor 4 in no time. The door opens to a corridor where I can take both right and left and I would have completely panicked if there weren’t two signs indicating where each apartment is, theirs is on the left, door 4E.

I’m about to knock but my hand freezes. I feel extremely nervous, I don’t know why, or maybe I do. Last night it hit me that it isn’t just the first time I’m here but that now I know who their third roommates is. He’s really nice and so was talking with him but I’m not sure I’m ready to do it again. I take a deep breath and knock; _it’s just a damn place, Wen Junhui, act your age._

Thankfully for my heart, Mingyu opens the door. He’s grinning wildly and hugs me tight before I can even open my mouth to say hi. He’s taller than me by a few centimeters and definitely bigger, I cannot even wrap my arms around his torso.

“Junnie, I’m so happy you’re here!”

I chuckle. “Sadly, my hair can’t say the same.”

He laughs while closing the door behind me and the air leaves my lungs, which may still be chilling in the Bahamas, who knows.

This place is better than Hogwarts man, I’m going to cry. The living room and the kitchen are connected but that doesn’t make them any smaller. There’s a couch and two armchairs in front of a _huge_ TV, probably bigger than my whole room. Oh god, they have a breakfast bar, as stupid as it sounds, I _love_ those. The walls are white as the one outside, but these have photos and paintings hanging on them and resting against one wall there’s a bookshelf, well, there are two divided by one door but I guess it’s like the same thing, I don’t know, I can’t even think right now.

My face should have given me away because Mingyu is laughing a lot next to me. When I scold his with my eyes, he stops, changing it for a smirk. “It’s just an apartment, you twat.”

I shake my head. “Try living in my dorm and let’s talk later.”

I hear a door opening and my heart stop. I bite my lower lips, considering if I should turn to the sound and see who of the two it is but Mingyu answers that for me. “Wonwoo, we have company, bring your ass here and say hi.”

Kicking Gyu sounds appealing but instead, I just turn around to say hi. He looks different from how he did the first time I saw him. He has black bags under his eyes, his hair is kind of messy and I’m sure he’s wearing pajamas. It’s strange because the last time I saw him, he emanated control and coolness, now, he just looks, well, normal. It makes me feel calmer because he also looks less intimidating but, at the same time, it makes me sadder because he _looks_ like he’s not having a good time.

However, with no lungs or heart to keep me, I almost drop dead when he smiles brightly at me because he looks genuinely happy to see me. “Jun, hi!”

And he remembers my name, well, my stomach apparently decides that a vacation on an island sound amazing because I can’t feel it anymore. Mingyu looks at me strangely and I clear my throat. “Hello.”

He keeps his smile and turns to his roommate. “So, what’s the special occasion?” we both frown and he chuckles. “You know, it’s the first time Jun’s here.”

I puff out a laugh and Wonwoo’s smile comes back to me. Now that he’s not wearing sunglasses, I’m able to see his eyes perfectly. He has the type that smile with you and it honestly doesn’t surprise me. What does surprise me is that we have practically the same eye color, almost black.

I realize that I’ve been probably staring for too long but he doesn’t seem to mind, staring right back. Mingyu’s own eyes are on the back of my head, so I simply look down, pressing a hand against my neck.

“So, Junnie,” thank the gods for Kim Mingyu. “Hao is in my room.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Wonwoo says with a smirk that lasts until his roommate punches his on the ribs.

Okay, now, which one is Gyu’s room? Didn’t he think about telling me? I turn around to ask but the other too are already engaged on a full out fight and I just manage to shake my head while laughing. When I turn around to try and discover where Mingyu’s room is, a door to my right opens up, reveling a cute and sleepy Minghao. He’s wearing a huge grey t-shirt that I’m 100% sure belongs to certain chocolate haired, his eyes are half opened and half closed and hair… Oh my god.

I must have really left out the squish I was containing because the other two stop fighting behind me. Minghao’s hair is blond, really blond.

“HAO!” Wonwoo says, moving to the younger and grabbing his now blond locks in between his fingers. He is a few centimeters taller than the other and so, he’s also a few centimeters taller than me, because Hao and I are barely apart. His reaction lets me know he’s as shocked as I am.

“Wonnnn,” his voice sound higher when he’s sleepy and I want to jump and hug him but there’s no need for that. He opens one of his eyes and catches me, which seems enough to get his other eye open as well.

“Junnie!” his scream makes me laugh but I cannot take my hand to my mouth before I have a body hugging my own. I just can’t resist the temptation of passing a hand through his new hair but it feels the same it has always felt.

“So, you’re ready to ruin my life, I see,” I exhale, pretending to still be bothered about it when, actually, I had almost an entire week to get used to the idea.

Pouting, he detaches his body from me. “You still don’t want to do it?” If I didn’t know him as well as I do, I would believe he’s truly sad. However, that doesn’t erase the fact that, contrary to what most people think, Hao has a delicate heart.

“You know I’m just joking, you idiot,” patting his head again, I turn to his partner in crime. “If you two make me bald I swear to god I’m burning this place to ashes.”

Mingyu raises his hands and shakes them in front of his torso, letting me know he took the threat seriously, even if we know he didn’t. Wonwoo, who for some reason is still in the living room, frowns. “I live here too so please spare me.”

Both of his roommates look at him with complete betrayal on their eyes and I can’t help but laugh, they’re really hilarious when you put the three of them inside the same four walls.

After a few minutes of more accusations and jokes, Wonwoo excuses himself to the supermarket, forcing me to say for lunch, and the rest of us head to Gyu’s bedroom. If I didn’t love this place already, I definitely do now. These rooms are _gigantic_ , twice the size of mine for sure. I’m not surprised he owns a king size bed because that’s definitely better for two people that a simple size one but I decide to keep that comment to myself. Everything is tidy, just Mingyu style, and the wall where his desk is finds itself to be the house of thousands of polaroid pictures. My hear races when I recognize lots of them, not just because I'm _in_ some but also because I _took_ some. I get closer and slightly pass my index finger through one that, if I'm not mistaken, it's almost two years old. A picture version of the three of us, sitting on the grass in campus and having cake stares back. I'm sure it's the first picture of us together ever taken and my eyes get blurry with tears I wipe right away.

Of course, Wonwoo is in loads of them too and, at one point, I almost take out my phone to snatch a photo of the one he's wearing rounded glasses in but I decide I'm not that insane. There are also a lot featuring a small girl with soft and straight caramel hair and I'm about to ask the room's owner who she is when the words get stuck on my throat. I shouldn't be surprised and, _definitely_ , I shouldn't be disappointed. At the bottom left, the two of them occupy the white frame and, given the fact the picture is here I assume Gyu took it. They have their foreheads resting against each other and from the way they're smiling, I realize the hold the purest kind of love. I don't need to ask who she is anymore.

When I turn around, Hao is starting intensely at me and I wonder, not for the first time, if he can read my mind. Smiling, I take a sit next to him on the bed while his, not, boyfriend reappears from the bathroom with a towel in hand. I decide to leave my heart problems aside, now I have bigger and sooner ones.

Two hours later, my position has changed to the floor, resting my back on Minghao's legs while he passes his finger through my, now, blond mane. It looks so weird I only recognized myself in the mirror because I knew it was me, does that make sense? Hao's one is no longer sandy but of a vibrant tone of red and he looks incredible. I wish I had my phone unlocked so I could have taken a picture of the face Mingyu pulled when he entered in the room like that, iconic.

Right now the bedroom has only two occupants because the tall idiot went to help Wonwoo with lunch. I tried to tell my best friend we should leave the actual dying for later but he simply answered that an hour was more than enough, which brings us here, with him applying the tint with his fingers and a brush. My eyes are closed and I'm enjoying this moment as much as I can because, in case you don’t know, I love when people touch my hair but I love it even more when Minghao does it. He's gentle and careful, untangling it without pulling and massaging my skull from time to time, honestly, better than a spa.

"Done, now, we wait," he slides down from the bed to rest next to me on the floor.

I'm still hypnotized by how red and amazing his hair is. "You look amazing."

He gives me one of his relaxed and sweet smiles that make my heart want to leave my chest and hug him itself. "Thanks but you're going to look even better."

Rolling my eyes, I take my phone out of my pocket and realize I have two texts. Not to brag but I'm a quick texter, I always feel my phone vibrate and answer immediately so probably the people that sent this are wondering if I died or something.

 **Soonyoung** : I'm off for the weekend so let's continue our curse, I mean, the project on Tuesday

Well, that one doesn't require an answer so I move one.

 **Hansol** : YOU TOLD ME YOU’D BE BACK BEFORE LUCH YOU FILTHY TRAITOR  ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

I laugh at this one and when Hao shots me a questioning look, I show it to him.

“Ups?” he says without a trade of actual remorse.

You: soz, too busy burning my head off.

I put the devise back to its place and stare at my best friend. He looks incredibly tired and I'm not surprised. It's Saturday and I rarely get up before 11 on Saturdays, but it's only 12 and we've been up for a while. He has bags under his eyes and he yawns every ten minutes.

"How's uni going?"

He groans, stretching himself like a cat. "Kicking my sorry ass. I want to swap bodies with Sol and go back to first year."

"The fact that you share some classes with Architecture doesn't mean you'd be able to survive it," I turn to the side, indicating him to do the same and pass a hand through his back. It's not a massage but sometimes simple caressing is enough to relax one's body.

"True," he takes the wattle bottle we've been sharing and sips a bit before passing it for me to do the same. "Industrial Design is cooler anyway."

I nod, joining my lips and brows to make me look more serious. There's still some time so an idea to make Hao even more relaxed hits me. "How does practice sound? This room is huge."

He bites his index finger and I hear the gears of his brain working on the idea. "If you put a towel on your head because staining Gyu's carpet will bring us a punishment worse than death."

So I do, clipping it so that it won't come off and end my too short life. We both have the song in our phones, obviously, but we decide to use Hao's because it doesn't matter if he runs out of battery, it's not like he's moving from here. It's difficult, well, _more_ difficult in a relatively smaller space, my movements are restricted and I almost knock over the bedside table twice. However, both Minghao and I are smiling wildly and I forget everything I'm not entirely pleased with for a few minutes. We do the choreography over and over again and actually realize that it's better to do it without any fabric because even though the conditions aren't ideal and it turns out clumsy, we perform better than on our last practices. We're so into it neither of us notice Mingyu, standing at the door frame, for 10 minutes.

"As much as I'm in love with Junnie's dance skills," he says before the song starts again, "could you wash his hair and come have lunch?"

Our breathings are heavy and tired, just like us, while we stare and each other and realization fills our eyes. We missed my alarm. I rush to my phone, almost tearing up, and check that, indeed, I should have washed it half an hour ago. I curse and I run to the bathroom with my best friend almost stepping on my feet, apologizing frenetically.

After washing off the blue tincture and catching mere glances of it, I close my eyes while Minghao dries it, focusing only on the device's sound and the gentle hands that apologize without words.

"Em, Junnie, I finished," his voice sounds so small I'm actually scared to open my eyes.

 

 

> _Wonwoo_

We decided to do something simple so pizza it was. However, it's not just a mozzarella, it never is with Mingyu. I'm setting the table when I hear the first scream, Hao's.

"I'm so sorry!"

Oh, oh. Why do I feel like he killed Jun or something?

"I look like a fucking highlighter!"

Maybe it's about to be the other way around.

"I don't think there are highlighters this color."

God Gyu, just stay silent.

"Shut up!" the other two scream at the same time.

Then, there's the unmistakable sound of a door slamming and I'm sure our guest was the one slamming it because I hear something that sounds like sorry while Mingyu's door opens.

I need to leave the glass I'm holding on the table or I would drop it on the floor and destroy it into a million pieces. Jun walks out of it first, his hair of the strongest sea blue and I really don't get why he's so mad, he looks stunning. Minghao is running after him, probably to prevent his escape, and his hair is blood red but, apparently, my eyes can’t leave the oldest Chinese be. He looks so different and still like him at the same time it's crazy, so crazy. I know I shouldn't be staring but I can't bring myself to look away. And he notices. He turns towards the burning stares, dark eyes opening wildly and cheeks turning really, really, really pink. He probably thinks he looks funny but if he could be any prettier, this hair color definitely make it possible. Is it weird I find him so pretty? Let's not think about it, brain.

"Junnie, wait, please, I'm truly sorry but you look incredible, "he notices me on the room and asks for my help with his eyes. “Doesn’t he, Wonwoo?"

I don't catch if he truly believes it or if he is asking me to lie, but there's no need for that. "You do look great Jun," I try to wear my most sincere smile but I'm not sure if it helps to change his mind, he just pinker. My best friend comes out of his room next, holding a pair of stained towels and dropping them on our 'dirty clothes' basket before reaching for Jun, giving him a back hug and resting his chin on his blue mare. Today, I've noticed both of them have a very touchy friendship with him, even more than they do with me.

"If I saw you on the street, I’d ask for your number."

My eyes quickly move to Hao but he's just laughing. Why does the comment bother me and not him? I'm not the one, not, dating Mingyu.

Jun pouts, making my heart skip a beat and I actually feel so bad about it that I turn around, returning to the kitchen and bringing lunch to the living room's table. I take an armchair and when I think Jun is going to take the other one, Gyu moves him to the couch. Stop right there, what's with that? He always sits in there unless Sally is over. And then it's when it hits me that I spent the last month sulking about her and today, I haven't even thought about her.

"So, I see the choreo has progressed," my best friend declares between bites, answering the question I've been asking myself instead of them since I met Jun: does he dance too?

Minghao nods and the light makes his hair shine even more. "We actually finished it and that's why we decided to dye our hair."

Next to him, Jun puts his glass down and adds " _You_ decided to dye our hair."

I chuckle at the comment and at the fact a smile is creeping on our guest's face, which means he doesn't feel as miserable. Minghao groans and says something I can’t understand, making me turn his direction, it's rare for him to use his first language. Jun, however, doesn't seem surprised at all, punching him on the arm closest to his body and answering in Chinese. Unconsciously, I move my eyes to Mingyu, who's shaking his head at the other's interaction. Suddenly, something I haven't felt in a long time invades me: jealousy. I'm jealous of the three of them and the relationship they've been sharing for all these years, I'm jealous of how said relationship works so perfectly and, more than anything, I'm jealous I'm not part of it. It's so, so stupid because I've never, not for a second, felt such thing about the relationship my roommates share. I do feel sad sometimes but I never crave it, it's something I've come to accept and, maybe if I gave time to this, I could as well but, the thing is, I don't want to _accept_ it, I want to _be part_ of it.

My best friend catches my eyes and I guess he thinks I'm annoyed by the language thing, because he nods and turns to the other two next, saying something that sounds like a scold, in Chinese.

"Sorry Won," Minghao sounds like he actually regrets it and I smile.

"I'm so sorry! I'm really used to hanging out with this two," Jun gestures towards the, no, couple and it hits me that that's another thing I don't share with him: I'm the only one in the room that can't speak his first language because, for a second, I forgot even Gyu can.

"It's okay, they do that sometimes too," it's a lie and my best friend is about to point it out when Minghao kicks him to shut up, which goes unnoticed by our guest, who simply nods and goes back to his pizza slice. I don't know why but I don't like it when he's not happy, I really don't.

"Whatever, you should show us!"

"Totally," I agree with my best friend.

"If you want us to destroy the entire apartment, sure!" the youngest points out and Jun shares his opinion. "We can't make 3 steps without failing."

I'm actually disappointed and, visibly, so is Mingyu.

"Then, how about something else? An old choreo maybe?"

There's three pair of eyes turning to me but the blue hair is too distracting, forcing me to look his direction. One could argue so it's Minghao's but nobody does, because I'm not voicing my thoughts, and I feel better with myself.

"Won is right! I've seen you two dance like once since I met you, I shall not been private from such a blessing no longer," He slams his fist on the table, making Hao roll his eyes and Jun giggle, which is cute. Again, nothing wrong with thinking that.

"I'm entirely sure it would make you cry, Gyu," our guest comments and god, Hao is going to roll his eyes of his face.

I'm about to ask why he said that when my best friend laughs. "Oh, it's one of those again, hum?" They could be back to Chinese because I have no clue what they mean.

Minghao nods and shrugs. "We're good at them," his voice sounds slightly apologetic and I, again, wonder what the hell is going on. When I turn to Jun's direction, he seems unsure and sad and my heart aches a little. Wow, go four steps the fuck back, I barely know him, I can’t be feeling such thing.

"You two are amazing dancers," is Mingyu's only answers, smile never leaving his face. "So show us."

"But," the blue haired is now blushing from cheeks to ears," we just ate and we haven't practiced that one in a wh–" I never get to hear the rest of his excuse because Minghao covers his mouth with a hand and shares one of those looks with Gyu. Just by seeing Jun's eyes, I know he is pouting.

"You can do this one with your eyes closed, come on."

The two of them stand up and I catch our guest rubbing a hand on his neck, which is also red. Is he really that embarrassed? Fuck, now I feel bad with myself because this was all my idea, well, Mingyu's originally but I insisted. Smacking myself mentally, I turn towards the empty space behind the sofa, just like my best friend, where the dancers have located themselves. Hao's phone connects to the Bluetooth speakers we have and the room is completely filled with music. I have to be honest; it's definitely not the genre I was expecting, which only catches my attention even more. Listen, I don't know shit about music but I'm pretty sure this is what people call 'contemporary', it's soft and aggressive at the same time, as if someone was hugging you while insulting you.

If you have never seen these two dance before, know you're wasting your life. After just a few moves, I drop my jaw open and feel Mingyu containing his breath. The choreography reminds me of the game 'catch', in which Jun is the one catching and Hao is the one trying to escape. I can understand why the two acted like that a few minutes ago, this is romantic but old Greek romantic and, believe me, I studied Literature, I know my old Greek romances. The older hugs Minghao from the back, dropping his whole weight down, resting on his knees as if he's begging and now I'm the one holding my breath, entirely intrigued by how the unspoken story will continue. I understand more than anything in the word about storytelling and how every art has its way of doing so. I'm also a bit closed, thinking books can do it the best but, right now, I realize how stupid that thought is. Everything has its magic to let you know what's going on and to make you feel the way you're expected to. On a beat, my youngest roommate is free again but this time he turns his face to his best friend, who's still on his knees and looking at the floor; it's incredible how they seem to forget where they are, totally immersed on their dance. On the next beat, Hao is kneeling in front of the other, pulling his face up by his chin. They're looking at each other with such intensity I feel like an intruder, watching something really private. When the next beat arrives, they're on their feet again, never breaking eye contact, not even when they start moving.

One doesn't need to be a dance genius to get that they know exactly what they're doing, their bodies in complete synchronization with movements so delicate and precise it feels like it can't be real, like a dream. Then is when the main theme of their work clicks in my head: changing after something that even though you can see, you can't trap, you can’t control, _just_ like a dream.

When the song ends, their heavy breathings are the only thing I can hear, reminding us to inhale if we don't want to die but, after seeing that, I can peacefully.

Minghao turns to Mingyu, I'm not surprised, looking for any sign of discomfort on our roommate's eyes. However, the taller just stands up to hug him, which feels even more private than the whole choreography I was blessed to witness, so my glance moves to Jun.

His blue hair is sticking to his forehead thanks to the sweat, his eyes are closed and he's using his mouth to help his nose fill his lungs back with all the air he just lost. I have to imitate him because I suddenly feel how empty my own lungs are and, I don't know why but I don't like it, it makes me feel guilty and just, _wrong_. As soon as he starts opening his eyes again, I look away, focusing on anything but him.

We congratulate them, using every praise in the world and they thank us, seeming obviously more comfortable with all this, however, I don't look at Jun again. He's doing something to my heart and I'm not sure I want to find out what that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, here's another chapter. i wanted to upload this earlier but i got caught up with work and uni, sorry.  
> i loved describing the dance from won's pov.
> 
> pd: go watch [victon's cb](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqfGcA7wA6E) dude, it's incredible  
> pd2: happy 100 days to my babies honeyst, stan them ♡  
> pd3: here you have my [twitter](https://twitter.com/stxrryjin) and [tumblr](http://stxrryjin.tumblr.com/) to shout at me, goodbye, have a nice week (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧


	5. Five

> _Junhui_

It takes Mingyu the incredible amount of _three_ days to invite me over for dinner. Soonyoung and I are walking around campus, trying to decide where to spend way more than necessary on a complete meal when the tall idiot appears in front of us, his chocolate hair perfect even though he obviously ran here from wherever he was, ugh, I hate him sometimes.

“Morning, lads!”

I raise a hand in front of his face and shake my head. “Don't.”

“But–”

“Don't,” Soonyoung repeats, having my back. “Why are you here? The moment I graduate, I'm not stepping a foot on this place again.”

The three of us start to walk; winter is only three months away but March doesn't seem interested in letting the warmth go anytime soon. I'm wearing ripped jeans and a short sleeves t-shirt… on March!! This autumn is too summery and the sun is shining high on the cloud-free sky.

“I came to pick Hao up and then I remembered you two–”

“Thanks…”              

“– and decided it was a great idea to have you over for dinner, am I not the best!? Don't answer that.”

My friend stops on his tracks as soon as Mingyu finishes the last sentence and I can't blame him, I'm tempted to do the same. “Are you, em, inviting us to your place?” The other nods and his eyes travel to me, filled with confusion and, honestly, same.

“Not to be rude or anything,” I start, “but, why? I mean, we've been friends for two years and I've been to your apartment _once_ , last week.”

He coughs in discomfort. “Well, Hao and I had a… chat… and decided enough is enough.”

Well, that helped us nothing to get into the light as nor Soonyoung or me are any least lost but hey, free food and, even better, free Mingyu’s, the culinary graduate, food.

You see, I move around in public transport because there's _no way_ I can buy a car, come on, I can't even afford a rent. However, Mingyu has always had a car, well, since I met him but now the difference is that I know he lives with Wonwoo, who _also_ owns a car. Three people, two cars, an apartment, the dream. This train of thought is dangerous because I suddenly remember who they live with and I really don't want to see him. I think that when you have a crush the best thing you can do is not seeing them because, that way, the crush stays small and eventually dies, like a plant you forget to water. But the universe hates me because it's constantly raining over mine seed and I see Jeon Wonwoo as often as I see Xu Minghao lately and my little friend has evolved into a bush that doesn't even fits the pot anymore.

Hao's building is two blocks away and we arrive there after some jokes and teasing Mingyu, our favorite sport. My best friend is also wearing ripped jeans and a black vest that makes him look cool and I don't miss the way some girls stare at him but he obviously does, his eyes glued to his just arrived roommates, filled with love and excitement. God, when will they stop pretending they're not together? I hope soon, is killing me not being able to say something.

Soonyoung isn't as considered as me and as soon as we reach the youngest side, he sighs. “Can you stop looking so in love? It's making me depressed,” which earns him a Minghao’s punch on the stomach.

“It's not my fault your boyfriend can't stand you,” 10 points to Hao and I'm so surprised, it's the first time he doesn't deny the accusation.

“Now, now,” Mingyu steps between them, resting a hand on his roommate’s shoulder. “Less violence and more eating.”

 

The universe must be on a good mood today because the third roommate is nowhere to be seen when we arrive. I take a sit on the couch after Gyu forbids me to step on the kitchen and Soonyoung takes a few minutes to do the same, staring around in awe as if he has teleported into some other dimension, the one with white walls, fancy furniture and lots of free space. When he finishes the inspection and sits next to me, he turns to Hao, who dropped his bag next to the armchair he's now using. “I want to live here, let's trade boyfriends.”

Rolling his eyes, and then again not denying the accusation, he pulls out his phone and start scrolling. My eyes move unconsciously to Wonwoo’s bedroom’s door, as if he would just pop out waving and asking what's on the menu. Trying to convince myself I'm not disappointed is as useless as trying to convince myself is better not to see him.

“So, where's the final musketeer” my friend voices my question for me and Hao tits his head. “Wonwoo was it?”

Minghao stares at me for less than a second but I pretend not to notice. “Who knows, maybe at Sally’s–” cutting himself and biting his lower lip, he changes his sight towards Mingyu, who I'm sure can hear us from over there.

“He's still working, he'll be back for dinner, I think,” I can hear the knife going through vegetables, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, but I'm too lazy to move my head and catch what he's cooking. “Don't mention the ‘S’ word when he's here, I don't want a glumly meal, okay? It makes my stomach hurt.”

He sounded like my mother but I decide not to point that out, focused on the horrible sensation burning in my stomach and I want to kick myself because I know exactly what it is: hope. Maybe they broke up? And what if they did? It doesn't concern me and I shouldn't care, he's not even my friend, just a mere acquaintance. I shift on my seat, uncomfortable with my own thoughts and it doesn't escape Soonyoung, whose eyes silently question me if everything is fine. I nod and smile, asking Hao for the remote and putting a Friends episode, my favorite show and everyone's favorite show, I mean, come on, if you don't like it, I don't trust you.

Mingyu went for ‘fast food is better at home’ and chose to make hamburgers but he could do rice and I would kill for it, he's that good. We watch almost two episodes before the doors swings open, giving my heart a perfect escape route and revealing a very real Wonwoo. He's wearing black jeans, a light blue shirt and a thin sweater that makes me thing the hot weather is finally giving up.  He says ‘hi’ to no one in particular and there's the not so little chance that he hasn't seen me yet so I make myself as small as humanly possible, putting Soonyoung’s eyes filled with disbelief to silent with a ‘don't say a thing’ stare. The newcomer enters his room without another word and I breathe again, I can't handle his smile right now.

“Jun, you've been here before, right?” my classmate’s voice sounds way too enthusiastic but I'm the only one in the room that knows him well enough to notice. “Why don't you show me Gyu’s Palace?” and before either the room’s owner or his, not, boyfriend can say anything, I’m being dragged and forced to lead the way. His bedroom looks the same as the last time but, I mean, it's only been 72 hours since then. “Dude, what the hell?”

Yes, exactly. “Sorry, I forgot to mention it,” purposely, of course.

“Junnie, you just don't forget to mention the guy you've been getting a hard on from lives with your best friend!”

I jump to shut his mouth with my hand and pray to every god people believe in that the walls are as thick as they look because if they're not, I'm moving back to China on the first flight I can get.

“Soonyoung, if you don't shut the fuck up I'm gonna use all those years of wushu on your face,” I wait for him to nod before taking my hand out and passing the other one through my hair, sighing. I explain to him how I found out that the ‘library dude’ was, in fact, Mingyu’s and Minghao’s Wonwoo, not forgetting to mention that he has a girlfriend and if he, one of my closes friends, dares to say anything to any of them, I’m ripping his head off without second thought.

“I can believe how small the world is,” he says as soon as I finish. “You have the worst luck on the universe man,” even though he could have gone for the teasing, he goes for the pity and I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse, probably a mix of both.

We walk back out while I prepare myself mentally, drying my sweaty palms on my trousers and remembering to breath correctly. I hear a lot of sounds, Mingyu working on the kitchen, Minghao watching another Friends episode, Soonyoung swallowing next to me but my mind jumps and clings to Wonwoo’s voice the second I hear it. I don't close the door behind me and barely catch how my friend takes a sit back on the sofa, my eyes following his every moves like they used to in the library. He's standing close to Gyu, his sweater sleeves pulled back, revealing his strong arms, ready to help. My heart feels like stopping and accelerating at the same time and I hate it _so_ much.

“Why on Earth are you doing so much food?”

“How do you expect five people to eat from a normal size serving?” Minghao teases, not even looking up from his phone. “Really Won, how did they let you graduate?”

The other looks confused until he turns around to scold his roommate and catches Soonyoung’s silhouette resting close to the youngest. For all over here, I can see his eyes getting bigger and start to move around, scanning the place till they stop on my face.

If a word exists to describe how I feel right now, I don't know it, or maybe I do but my brain it's too stunned to function. His smile is so bright and genuine I feel free to say he's truly happy to see me, which doesn't help the mess I already am to settle down. He's so amazing and I'm so fucked.

“Jun! I didn't know you were coming,” and ignoring his best friend's dumbfounded expression, he walks towards me. It's weird he doesn't look at Soonyoung again but well, maybe it's because he has no clue who he is? I'm not able to tell, I barely know this guy to be trying to understand how he thinks.

“Me neither,” I manage to say in a completely audible tone, good one, me. “Would you believe me if I told you I was kidnapped and call the police or just laugh?”

Unsuccessfully, he tries to hide a grin. “If you tell me Mingyu was behind it I wouldn't. Now, if it was Minghao,” he glances on his direction, “I'm getting my phone.”

Falling on staying serious as well, I give him a small smile. Our friendship, well, kind of, it's really strange. I'm never comfortable when it comes to people I barely know and, less than less, if they make my heart feel like he does but, for some unknown reason, I can act almost entirely normal when he's around. I also know Soonyoung noticed and it's going to ask about it later but I honestly have no answer for him.

“If you have finished badmouthing me with Won,” he says still without looking up from his cell, “this is your favorite episode so move your ass over here.”

Shaking my head, I listen to him. When I realize there aren’t enough seats for all of us, I sit on the floor, resting my back on Hao’s legs, who bends his knees to poke me. This is, indeed, my favorite one so even with Wonwoo’s presence where I was sat a few minutes ago, telling Soonyoung it's nice to see him again (what? Do they know each other?), I don't tear my eyes apart from the TV nor sing Smelly Cat with all my lung’s air, great achievements.

Looking back, I wish we had met on either of our dorms instead of the library but it wouldn't have helped much, would it? Sooner or later I would have met him anyway, I mean, he's my best friend's roommate and best friend. It's actually strange I didn't meet him before, and it would have been worse because I would have met Wonwoo as a real person, not as my stupid uni’s library crush. He would have been so… real and reachable from the start and my poor self couldn't have taken it because, come on, I barely can now. When I say this, _real_ is the key word; real means possible, even if I know he's not, definitely not. Not just because he has a girlfriend, which doesn't discards him immediately because there aren't just two sexualities, but because there's no way something healthy can grow of the me I'm right now. It's not the moment in my life to love somebody else and it will never be the moment in my life to love Jeon Wonwoo.

Hao’s breathing brings me back to the hard reality I find myself into.

“Are you still alive?”

Nodding, I turn to face him. His red hair is as red as the second he stepped out of the bathroom but his face looks more relaxed and I don't know if that has to do with college, dance or Mingyu, maybe all of them, but I'm glad he's having a good time. I considerd if I should tell him about the Wonwoo ‘thing’ but I decided against it, knowing him, he'll start stressing and worrying when this is just something I need to get over.

“You look good.”

Soonyoung groans while Minghao smiles. “We agreed you'd stop flirting when I'm around. Also, if you don't want to die by poisoned food, I'd cut it, Junnie.”

Laughing at his statement, I decide to play this game too. “Don't be idiotic, you know we share Hao, he's as much mine as it's his.”

Just at that exact second, Mingyu chooses to appear, leaving the food on the table, sitting on the free armchair and throws me a try of serious glance. “We don't own him but, if we did, he'd be 80% mine. Now, let's eat.”

My best friend isn't happy with being treated as an object, of course, and bends his knees again, making me turn and slap his right thigh before reaching for my tasty hamburger. If I could choose the time I'll die, that would be after one of Gyu’s meals, he's honestly an angel or something that came straight from heaven, well, he's straight as I am so probably not the best expression to use there.

Dinner goes smoothly, we discuss university and I found out Wonwoo is also a big fan of horror movies and spicy food, that's the first I meet since I came from China. It’s a nice night, relaxed, and we enjoy it talking about nothing really, exactly what I've been needling lately to get me on a better mood. My career has always scared me but lately it's getting more and more difficult, gifting me with two panic attacks since February, not good. I love it, I've told you this before, but I don't find myself capable of finishing it, not even with the stunning mark I get. Maybe it's because I'm too unsure of my own abilities? Yes, that maybe it's entirely unnecessary.

After finishing our food and three more episodes, Soonyoung points out that's it's better for us to leave if we don't want to get mugged, a completely true statement.

“Don't be stupid, just let me grab a coat, I'm taking you back,” Mingyu declares, already standing up but Wonwoo shakes his head, also rising to his feet.

“You went to get them so let me take them,” moving his eyes to Hao, he adds. “Our little prince can do the dishes.”

I feel him about to protest but after a quick glance at Gyu, he simply nods, giving me a hug, Soonyoung a high five and disappearing behind the island counters.

“Well, let's go then,” he's wearing one of those bright smiles that make me a mess but I decide to ignore it, grabbing my bag from the floor and waving goodbye.

My friend calls shotgun and reminds me that, sometimes, I love him. The campus is huge and that's why I don't see him as often as expected, my dorm on the end side while his is right next to the entrance but hey, mine it's cheaper. This, however, means he's getting off first, leaving a few moments of just Jun and Wonwoo, haha, great, amazing, cool, the best. No matter how much of a tease he is, Soonyoung _is_ a fantastic friend and I see the hesitation on his eyes when we pull in in front of his building. I smile to him, letting the lie that I'm going to be okay known.

“Thanks Wonwoo and nice to see you again,” he states while unplugging his seatbelt and opening the door.

“Oh, it's nothing. Also, nice to see you again too.”

And so it's just the two of us, joined by an awkward silence I have no clue how to break, my cheeks going pink and god, why isn't he driving off?

Chuckling, he turns to me. “Aren't you coming here? I don't bite, you know.”

Quite an amount of scenarios with acceptable biting cross my mind but I ignore them in order to stay healthy and open the back door, then the front one and slide back inside. Not making myself small takes a lot of effort but I manage it and give myself a figurative pat on the back. Wonwoo’s eyes glued to my face aren't helping and less is him chuckling again.

“Can I tell you someone?”

Oh god, no, no, no, _no_. “Yes.”

“As stupid as this might sound, I believe in destiny,” he stops for a second, maybe waiting for me to say something but I simply nod. “We could have met each other at any point and circumstance on the past two years and, even though we had significantly higher chances than complete strangers, we didn’t, not even once, well, at the library but that doesn't count,” he clenched his hands at the steering wheel and I find myself holding my breath. “What I'm trying to say is, you're a really cool and funny person, Wen Junhui, and I'm happy destiny finally put you in my life.”

I'm mute for a second, digesting every word he just spoke. There's something on his tone that makes me know he's being entirely sincere with me, like he just took a part of his heart and shared it with me.

And it makes me happy.

There's a person behind what I perceive as a crush, exactly what I was telling earlier and I don't know if I'm relieved or scared he's starting to show himself as such. _He_ is the cool one and I'm genuinely surprised he wants to be friends with me but, honestly, I also want to be friends with him. I don't know how that's going to affect the attraction I feel towards him but, right now, I don't really care. Seeing him from time to time and actually getting to know him isn't going to kill me, I hope. Searching for my phone in my bag, I open the contacts, type in ‘Wonwoo’ and hand it to him.

“I'm not sure I believe in destiny but I'm sure I'm happy I met you.”

And I'm also sure I'm never getting tired of his smile.

 

 

> _Wonwoo_

After the conversation I had with Jun in the car, he's become way more open to me, texting, chatting, having actual and interesting conversations. It's not like I can call him my friend now but we're getting there. I can tell Minghao isn't completely happy with it but I can also tell he's working on it, whatever it is, with Mingyu’s help; I honestly think it’ll be pretty rude to ask what his problem is.

I'm lying on my bed when my phone screen lights up, joined by a beep. I lift it up and a huge smile decorates my face as I read.

 **Sally** : what's with the Greeks? haven't they heard of something called elevators?

 **You** : try calling it ‘lift’, maybe they'd understand you better

 **Sally** : i want to say i miss you but the dad jokes make that impossible, work with me

 **You** : you accepted the whole package, miss

 **Sally** : what was i even thinking?

Shaking my head, I put the phone back on my jean’s pocket. Five more months to see her precious smile again. Smiles make me think of Jun, he smiles a lot, mostly when he's with Hao. He has a nice smile, so pure and bright. I don't know how we humans can tell smiles apart, or maybe it's just me, but I find myself comparing his to Sally’s and realizing they're pretty different. While Jun’s is like a calm breeze, Sally’s is the summer sun. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about them, about Sally, about Jun. Even though my girlfriend didn't live with us, her absence is palpable, well, it was. Both my roommates had told me how much they miss her and so do I, so, so much, but when Jun is over, the grief seems to be less painful. I decided he's like a light, able to bright the room where he is, no matter how big and filled with bad energy said space is. When I told him I thought he was cool, I wasn't lying, I really think that, and even more, because there are lots of things about him that catch my attention like a spider web.

I come out to nothing but silence, not a normal thing in this apartment, and reach for the fridge. Mingyu and I bought a chocolate mousse cake just because we felt like it and now we have to eat it before it expires; meanwhile trying not to get an indigestion, or diabetes. I think about texting Sally a picture but decide against it, pulling my phone out anyway.

 **You** : feeling like cake?

 **Junhui** : there's still cake? ヾ( ￣O￣)ツ

I laugh at the emoji while closing the fridge. If I convince him to come, we're having it then.

 **You** : and it's calling for you

One thing about Wen Junhui I've learned: he's the fastest texter on the universe, I'm not even joking, I don't know how a person can type so quickly. This means that if he doesn't answer in 20 seconds, I think he's not gonna answer at all, which usually means he fell asleep but it's 17.20 so I highly doubt it. After 5 minutes, fucking eternity on Jun’s world, I sit on the couch and try to concentrate on the screen in front of me instead on the one in my hand. Maybe he's taking a shower? A nap? Maybe he just doesn't feel like answering my text. Am I looking way too much into it? Yes, I’m a stupid idiot. I've grown used to having Jun around in less than a month and it actually scares me. He has _something_ , I don't know exactly what and I really don't want to find out. I threw the remote a bit far and I'm too lazy so I just leave it on the CSI episode I've seen two hundred times and ignore my phone that hasn't ringed since Jun's first text, putting it on no disturb mode.

Sarah is saying something to Warrick and, even though I understand and have the subs on, I don't catch it, my mind very far away trying to get why this bothers me so much, it's a fucking text. While I'm feeling self-pity, the doorbell rings and I'm jump in surprise because nobody uses that thing.

“Yes?” I ask the metal rectangle on my wall.

“Who on Earth invites someone over and then doesn't pick up his phone?” I laughed in disbelief. “Wait, you weren't serious?” I can _feel_ him going all small on himself.

“Of course I was, I missed you,” the last words escape my mouth before I think about them and none of us says anything for a while. I can feel my cheeks turning hot and what the hell?

“Wonwoo, are you gonna open the door or I have to eat the cake mentally?”

Shaking my head, I press the button and just stand there, staring at the door like an idiot. It's the first time it's only the two of us here and for some unknown reason, my palms start to sweat, which makes me feel a bit bad so I simply turn the key and go back to the sofa.

Jun arrives in no time and it's dressed as simple as possible: jeans and a green sweater that contrasts perfectly with his still blue hair. Flashing me a smile, he goes straight to the kitchen, obviously looking for the cake. Facing him, I realize how normal this view has become, because he's more here than he's not, helping Mingyu with meals and just hanging out with us, it feels normal, it feels _right_.

Maybe it's time to have a flatmates chat.

He takes a sit next to me, dropping two plates with enormous pieces on the coffee table, and focuses on the TV, probably waiting for me to choose something to play. I choose ‘World War Z’ because we love thrillers and because it's just an amazing movie. I stare at my companion while it starts, he's grinning and eating at the same time, his skin is tanner than mine, his eyes are of a lighter brown that what I thought at the start and he has lots of moles and a few freckles. My stomach tenses and I force myself to pay attention to the movie _I_ chose.

The afternoon goes smoothly and I only look a Jun 3, well, 5 more times. I like his company, he's funny and warm, but there's something here I'm not a big fan of which I know I could point out if I tried, but I don't.

When our friends come back, we have moved ourselves to the kitchen, discussing the best horror book of history (I think any of King’s are good candidates and he calls me cliché) while I do the dishes.

“Junnie!” Hao jumps to him, giving him a bear hug. It's weird how he can be soft sometimes and so cold others.

“Yo,” my other roommate adds, dropping some bags on the island counters next to our guest hips. “I’m doing ham & cheese pie, you'll love it.”

“Oh, thanks Gyu but I'm not staying,” he detaches himself from his best friend before continuing. “Like the big party animal I am, I'm going out tonight, yay,” he sounds as happy and I feel about it.

“It's gonna rain cows.”

“Shut it, Hao, it's just Shua’s birthday,” he shrugs like it's nothing but the air suddenly drops a few degrees and I feel my best friends getting all tense, exchanging the _look_ , which makes me wonder who this ‘Shua’ is and why they _obviously_ don't seem comfortable with him. “I'll invite you but you've seen him like, twice and it's not like I can take people,” he pulls off his phone, typing a text.

“Is Soonyoung going?” Mingyu’s tone is careful.

“Well, yes, we hung out at the same time, different from you sadly, I’d like you to come.”

I don't like being in the dark and that's what I tell myself I’m not okay with about this situation, of course it has nothing to do with my roommates’ expression and that Jun is most likely not telling something, of course no.

“Yep, a shame,” Hao adds as if nothing is going on but his tone doesn't trick me. “Take care, don't drink too much and stay away from drunk Seungcheol.”

Jun laughs, I like his laugh. “That happened _once_ ; drunk Cheol is like a rare Pokémon.”

His choice of words makes me smile, he looks alright and I don't know where all this tension comes from and why it's here. We say bye and Minghao joins him on the elevator after he politely regrets Gyu’s drive.

My friend starts unpacking the market bags and I help, taking the chance to formulate the question he's waiting for me to ask.

“Who’s Shua?”

“There are lots of answers for that,” he puts a flour package inside the counter’s drawer. “He's name is Joshua and the simple one is that he used to be Junnie’s neighbor,” he opens the fridge and starts stacking eggs and bottles.

“What's the complicated one?”

“He's Jun’s ex,” Hao’s voice surprises me, barely able to process what he just said. “Kind of ex, we really don't know. They met when he and his family moved next to Joshua’s place the summer before his first year. He’s like, 25, 26? Something like that so the age gap was never a strong problem but there were others that were but they're not for me to tell. In short, they dated for a while and our guess is that Jun still has feelings for him, adding he hasn't had another boyfriend since then, which could mean nothing but who knows,” he rests just where his best friend was minutes ago. “His version? They're good friends and hang out whenever they can; we met him last year and agreed on something,” he moves his eyes to Mingyu and smirks. “Joshua Hong is the most beautiful man on Earth, probably as much as Jun.”

Turning to the bags, he helps us put everything on its place. So, Jun had a boyfriend and given the fact Hao said he didn't have another one after… Is he gay? Bisexual? Pansexual? I don't know and I shouldn't care, he's Jun not his sexuality. Why do I even care? I didn't give half a crap when Mingyu told me he was gay, he's still Mingyu and that doesn't change the way I look at him. But this is not the same, it's not that I suddenly watch him different; it's that I feel something close to hope. Why? I don't want to know, I really, really don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm SO sorry this took me so long! i had exams at uni and i was this () close of dying but here it is.  
> i only have two more chapters written so maybe after that i'll take me longer to update, i'm sorry.  
> anyway, thanks if you're still reading this ♡


	6. Six

> _Junhui_  
> 

I hate parties so much, I really do. My friends’ place is filled with people from top to bottom, with alcohol, smoke or mist (not sure about that) and even more people. I was never able to find out how they can afford a house, it’s even fishier now that Han doesn’t live here anymore, and I’m starting to worry they’re drug dealers, God, please don’t let them be drug dealers. I jump to my side when some girls run pass me, almost knocking me over. The air feels heavy and almost unbreathable and I’m really starting to regret being here. When I think about turning around and flee for my life I catch a pinkish mane and barely missing a body, I hurry to his side.

“Tell me why I’m here.”

“If you tell me why I’m here.”

“Because you love Soonyoung.”

“Maybe,” Jihoon says, rolling his eyes and drinking from a glass that’s probably the only one I’ll be drinking from too.

He’s shorter than me, with long piano fingers and the coolest pink hair on the entire universe. I met him and his boyfriend back in first year and now, almost three years later, I’m incredibly surprised he’s still sane, or even alive. He’s studying music and business administration, making him a role model who’s probably going to die before turning thirty. Right now, he looks almost perfect, no black bags under his eyes and a big smile I give back.

“You look pretty alright.”

“Thanks,” he huffs, passing me the paper cup which contains beer, thank god.

“You know, more alive than usual,” I clarify before taking a sip.

“Well, exams are a whole month away so I’m actually doing something I don’t usual do: sleeping.”

“Try not to die please; Soonyoung wouldn’t shut about it if you did.”

Chuckling, he nods in agreement and looks at the bar where his boyfriend, who I haven’t greeted yet, is ordering something that’ll probably leave him with the hangover of his life. Looking at them reminds me of Wonwoo and what the fuck was that ‘I missed you’ he shot me today? Like, really, is he trying to kill me or something? I doing my best and he simply goes and drops that bomb on me like it’s nothing. I hate him. Well, I wish I did, that would make all this way easer. My crush-bush is almost a small tree already and I need to destroy its roots before it’s too late.  
Someone is leaning on my shoulder and before I turn around to see who it is, Jihoon fake coughs while saying ‘don’t mention the J word’.

Joshua is resting is weight on me. His light brown hair is pretty short, showing all his piercings and the tattoo behind his ear. He’s wearing a black bottom-up and light jeans and, shit, does he even not look gorgeous? However, his eyes a bit red and wet, his stare a little lost, he’s drunk.

“Junnie, you look so sexy.”

I smile, shaking my head, careful not to impale his forehead with my chin. “I am sexy. How are you Josh?”

“You are, aren’t you? Why can’t I just be in love with you?”

Jihoon looks like he’s going to punch him and, yeah, that hurt a bit, but not much so I chuckle. “Sorry, have my eyes on a really hetero and already in love dude.”  
It’s the first time I admit my crush on Wonwoo to someone that’s not Soonyoung and, honestly, it feels amazing.

“That makes two of us,” and of course I know he does it for a million reasons that aren’t the correct one, like he’s drunk, sad and used to it, but he kisses me. I think it’s going to be just a peek but he’s quick to turn around, grab my nape and deepen it. I feel nothing on my heart but of course my lower reacts to it, he’s always been good with his tongue. I’m also a bit sad and confused, certain someone is messing with my heart, and so that’s why I let him. When he hand starts traveling along my tight, someone jerks him away from me.

“Joshua for fuck sake!” Seungcheol passes a hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry, Jun. And you, drunk ass, we talked about this, you have no right to put your ugly mouth on his anymore and I think you never had,” he’s insulting him but also being careful, still holding his best friend and checking he’s not dead. I laugh.

“Don’t worry, Cheoly, that’s drunk Shua, I’m used to it already. If he remembers tomorrow, he’s gonna buy me a tone of chocolate after apologizing for half an hour straight.”

He shakes his head but it’s smiling. “Let me save this twat from himself and I’ll be back on a sec so we can catch up, I missed you.”

I show him a grin and slide my back all the way down the wall. Why doesn’t his ‘I missed you’ make me feel like my chest it’s going to burst? Damn you, Jeon Wonwoo. I don’t know how long it’s been or where did Jihoon disappeared too but Seungcheol is back with drinks.

“Just beer,” he says as he takes a seat next to me.

“Just beer,” I repeat, taking the drink.

“How have you been? You look different.”

“Maybe it’s the blue hair,” I say while taking a sip.

“Maybe,” he smiles again. “But I meant you as a whole.”

“I’ve been alright. No panic attacks this month which, taking uni into consideration, is but a fucking miracle,” I sip again. “I’ve been hanging out at Mingyu’s and Minghao’s a lot lately, their place is dreamy.”

Nodding and drinking while studying my face his smile never leaves his lips. “You do look happy but, you know, my cooking has improved.”

I laugh, I highly doubt it. “Tempting but you haven’t try Gyu’s cooking, he’s better than my mum.”

He rests his back next to mine on the wall and it’s the first time he looks his age on the last four years. “I would just love to have you around.”

“I know,” then, I sigh. “I’d love to too but we know that wouldn’t end up well,” it’s true.

“Yeah, that,” he puffs. “I would give everything for all to be OK and normal between us again. He’s not even here, you know?”

That surprises me. The situation has always been tense and pretty awkward but our friendship has always been stronger. Maybe all those years of lying are finally paying off. Talking about lying...

“I like someone,” it comes out on a really small voice and I would be convinced Cheol didn’t hear me if it wasn’t for the even bigger smile on his face I’m about to make disappear. “And he has a girlfriend.”

Yep, there it is, the pained expression. Oh, even a sigh. He passes a hand through his hair. “Will you ever go for the easy relationship, Junnie?”

“You know they’re not my thing,” I try the joke but I feel so miserable and sad and my life suck and I hate Jeon Wonwoo and I think he’s one of the best people on the universe and I hate his girlfriend but she seems so nice and I hate myself and I hate Joshua and I hate Jeonghan and I hate everyone and everything and I don’t know when I started crying but I don’t even feel embarrassed about it. Seungcheol hugs me, hiding my face in the crack of his neck. “Sometimes I wish I was fucking straight.”

“Shhh,” he pets my hair and I relax a little. “We suffer as well, maybe not for the same reason, or maybe just because of them. You are who you are and we love you.”

“But I don’t.”

“Well, you will. It’s time for you to realize the incredible person you are. Funny, careless, selfless and gay us fuck, all those are good things about you.”

I chuckle, joined by a sob, and move to look at my friend in the eyes that are reassuring me he’s not going anywhere, nor is his love for me.

“Are you already that drunk?” Soonyoung drops his body on my other side. It’s weird to see him like this, a red bottom-up, black jeans his hair not a mess and smelling strongly to perfume.

I don’t know how to answer but, luckily, my friend does that for me. “Not all of us have such a perfect love life as you do but we do have a better alcohol tolerance.”

My friend’s eyes lose the teasing. “Wonwoo?”

Sighing, I nod. We’ve talked about this before and I really don’t want to hear it all again. Soonyoung opens his mouth but it’s not his voice I hear.

“Jeon Wonwoo? Wen Junhui, are you crushing on that Jeon Wonwoo?”

Okay, what the fuck? Seungcheol knows him? How? When? Where? Why?

“You know him!?”

“Well, yeah. We went to the same faculty but he studied literature while I did philosophy, he was also two years younger than me. Everyone wanted to be his best friend, date him or fuck him, really popular dude. During first year, he showed no romantic interest for anyone and people were losing hope but, by the beginning on second year, he started going out with a girl from History I was kind of crushing on, I don’t remember her name, she was pretty beautiful though, I do recall that.”

“Sally,” I murmur. “Her name’s Sally, if we’re talking about the same Wonwoo’s girlfriend.”

He bites his lower lip, nodding slowly before turning to Soonyoung, who has been listening with the same attention I was. Feeling his eyes burning on the side of my face, I focus on how interesting the grass is.

“See!? He’s been dating her for like 5 years Jun, 5 year. Get over it.”

His voice is higher and stronger and his boyfriend, who reappeared without me realizing, places a hand on his leg. “Soonyoung...”

“No, I’m sick of Jun suffering every god damn time he likes someone. The thing with Joshua started before I was part of your life but I am part of it now, Junnie, and I love you too much to see you going through it again.”

The place feels darker and smaller all of the sudden and it’s because my mind and my heart know my friend is right. I wash it off as nothing but the think with Josh really did hurt me. I wash it off as nothing but I’m falling for Wonwoo quickly and it does feel great but it also hurts as fuck. I said I’m not ready for another boyfriend and it’s true but the only reason for that is me, the only stopping me from being happy is myself and I need to understand I have the right to be happy. Wonwoo, however, can’t make me happy; he’s too busy making someone else happy.

“I know but it’s going to take some time. He’s my best friend’s best friend and I need to understand he’s part of my life now, even not as I want him too. He’s a really nice guy and I like being friends with him.”

Jihoon smiles sweetly at me and lets go of his boyfriend’s leg, who shakes his head at me before speaking. “You need a boyfriend, Junnie.”

Taking the last sip from my beer, I leave the cup next to my leg. “I’m not doing that, I’m not Joshua.”  
Ups. The words came out before I properly thought about them but when I turn to Cheol he’s grinning and pats my back.

“Fucking finally man, roast him, he deserves it, even he knows that.”

I can’t help but to laugh. “Not on his birthday.”

They all laugh as well and I feel like, even if it’s just a little, I’ve grown tonight.

 

 

> _Wonwoo_

Minghao is resting his head on my lap, completely asleep. I can feel how calm his breathing is and see how his chest moves up and down, filling itself with air. Mingyu is sitting on the armchair to my left, changing the channel because we’re too lazy to pick the other remote that allow is to use Netflix. The chilly end-of-March air enters through the small window on top of the kitchen counter, making the room feel of the perfect temperature, not too hot, not too cold. It also helps us to not feel trapped. The sound coming from the TV mixes with Hao’s soft snoring and I smile. I’m so in love with afternoons like this, when it’s just us, enjoying each other’s company. Unconsciously, my eyes shift to the armchair on my right, marking the only thing that’s not okay: it’s empty.

Without stopping the petting on the youngest’s hair, I exhale deeply and turn toward Mingyu, who’s still struggling with our shitty cable provider.

“Gyu?”

He turns to face me and, I guess, when he sees my face, he puts the devise on mute and leaves the remote on the small couch’s arm. “Yes?”

I stare down again, contemplating how my fingers disappear on red locks and then appear again. Why am I nervous about this?”

“I know you and Hao have been fighting over this for a while but well, I have an opinion now, too,” with my free hand, I scratch my head. “I think is actually a good idea—”

“—for Jun to move in,” he finishes for me. When I look up, I’m expecting a grin or something teasing, definitely not this. Now, he’s the one playing with his hands, biting his lower lip and wearing a puzzled expression. “That’s what you were going to say, isn’t it?”

How the fuck does he know? “Yes.”

Exhaling deeply, he looks at Minghao and then at me. “I’d love to but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”  
Okay, wait, what? A month ago, he was the one saying how amazing it would be and that it was the best decision we could make and bla bla bla and now this?

“Why?”

“Listen, Won, he’s one of my favorite people on this planet, shit, on this universe. And if there’s something I’m sure of is that he’s also the nicest person alive, always worrying and putting others first. But you know what? That means he’s gone through way too much shit, suffering a fucking lot. He deserves to be happy.”

Although I don’t know him that well, I’m sure all that it’s true. What I don’t understand is what that has to do with this.

“Okay?”

He sighs and frowns. “It’s not for me to say this but—”

“Exactly.”

We’re both so surprised by Minghao’s voice I almost jump and let him fall to the ground. I don’t know how long he’s been awake, probably the whole conversation.  
“You have no fucking right to talk about that, Mingyu,” he sound really angry and, when he moves away from my touch, I know just how much.

“Hao...” my best friend isn’t going for the safe route, which is just shutting the fuck up.

“I’m tired of this, I’m not going to force respect up your stupid ass,” he’s on his feet now, glaring at us. What did _I_ do to make him mad? “It’s not my problem Wonwoo is as smart as a jellyfish,” ouch? “And not is yours. You can’t talk about that, did you even stop for a second to think how he’d feel if he knew you told him?” the pause is short enough to make both of us know he’s not waiting for an answer. “I think he should move with us and that’s my final thought on this. If I ever hear you even mentioning that close to Wonwoo again, maybe I’ll be the one moving out,” and that’s all it is. Hao disappears to his room with a smack on the door, leaving us still in shock. What the hell was that?

Mingyu stands up with a sigh, telling me “I’m going to calm him down. If you really want to, then let’s do it. However, if this ends up in disaster, I’m not going to doubt about blacking on of your eyes.”

I don’t like how that sentence ended but I liked everything else about it.

 

A week after what I like to refer as the ‘my little baby goes insane’ accident, I’m working on the library, piling book after book to put them back on their place. Jun is talking with Seokmin, a second year that works here part time, while waiting for me. I’m taking him home, my home, and he’s cooking Chinese food for us. It’s the first time I’m having it from an actual Chinese person that’s not on a restaurant (Hao can’t cook, thought we made that clear). Also, it’s the first time Mingyu isn’t allowed to help, well, if he’s able to hold himself back, that’s it.

Seokmin laughs and nods at something the blue haired said. I’ve only met one of Jun’s friends so far and I’m intrigued to meet more of them. That takes me back to Joshua and I wonder if there’s still something going on between them; Jun didn’t look happy about his birthday party and barely talked about it afterwards, well, at least with me.

When I finish putting everything back in place, I walk to the youngers, key in hand.

“All done, we’re free.”

Jun gives me one of his soft smiles and I move my eyes to my co-worker, still not sure why they make me feel so bad and so good. The sophomore takes a hand to his forehead, doing a military greeting and I chuckle. We get out and while I’m locking I hear the latter saying “Tell Hansol hi for me.”

Who’s Hansol?

“Who’s Hansol?” I ask Jun when he closes the door and I start the engine, looking back so I don’t drive over something, or someone.

“He’s my roommate, Architecture major who knows Seokmin from a too long explanation I got lost halfway though.”

Laughing, I pass the younger my phone and ask him to choose something for us to listen. He goes for The Cab and the good melody fills the car.

_Out of the seven billion people, baby_

_you’re the only one_

_You’re unexpected_

_when our lips connected_

A ‘ding’ interrupts the song and it lowkey annoys me. It’s not usual for him to come to the library in days I can take him back with me so I’ve learned to appreciate this moment, listening to his great music taste and talking about nothing in particular.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to look,” his voice is small as he passes the devise to me. I barely check the screen, seeing that Sally is the sender and that strange feeling I’ve been feeling in the lower part of my stomach grows, but I know it’s towards the wrong person.  
We arrive in no time and, even though Jun is walking next to me, his mouth is shut and he looks smaller than usual. He maybe feels awkward about reading my text but it’s not that big of a deal. However, I’ve learned that little things make him go all shy and silent. The short elevator trip is really uncomfortable, with him hiding behind his own cell but I know not to pressure it. When we arrive to the apartment, I open the door and he enters right behind me, dropping his weight on top of his best friend, who is laying on the couch.

“Hey, moves your heavy ass off,” he doesn’t mean it, of course, moving his arms to hug his best friend. Hao is Jun’s safe place. I clench my teeth, angry with myself of the strange feeling on my chest. I go straight to Mingyu, dropping my bag on the floor.

“Wow there, what’s wrong?”

My eyes move back to Jun, unconsciously, who face is burred on his best friend’s neck crack. I’ve never hug him and the J word is in the tip of my mouth, but I don’t allow my brain to say it, not even think about. Gyu doesn’t miss this, raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing,” my voice betrays me, sound a little strange. I grab my back again and walk to my room, using all my will not to smash the door. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I such a mess? I constantly feel I’m doing something wrong but I don’t know what that is but I also feel happy and filled with glee and I hate it, I hate this feeling, I hate how everything is so blurry, how nothing seems one thing or the other anymore. I know not everything is black and white, or course, but I also feel that grey is not an answer to whatever this situation is, I feel like it shouldn’t even be a situation on the first place. Is it crazy that I know something isn’t okay even when I don’t know what that something is?

Hearing Mingyu’s voice forces me to calm down, talking a few deep breaths and going back out. Hao remains on the same position but our guest has moved to the kitchen where my best friend has obviously prepared everything for him. Strangely, the XBOX we bought like 2 years ago is out of its box and so is the Kinekt, em, what? But then I catch movement. Gyu is now going through Jun’s bag and after a few seconds he screams ‘aha’, raising his hands, which are holding a small a thin package: a game.

I look back at Jun, whose sleeves are pulled back and has one hand over his mouth, hiding his laughter and that’s all it takes for the frustration I was feeling seconds ago to disappear. He’s messing with me and I don’t think I would stop him even if I knew how. Our eyes meet and I know he still feels strange and that’s taking everything he has for him not to make himself all small. He clears his throat and stares back at me.

“Wonwoo, can you help me?”

My legs move before my brain can order them to, taking me to his side. I’m not sure if it’s him or the kitchen but the smell of mint helps me relax even more, letting all those weird feelings hide in the back of my mind. He entrusts me with cutting the vegetables while he takes care of the meat and it’s so nice and simple, cooking together, not awkward even though we’re not talking. The rest of the world seems to disappear away from us, leaving a small and distant part of it with only the sound of our heartbeats. At the moment he turns around and smiles at me I realized this is something more, is a way of saying without saying, is his way of showing me he’s okay with my company, that he’s trying to put the awkwardness behind him. I feel my heart on my ear, beating somewhat differently from how it had for the last five years.

Somehow, we manage to finish the dish (I’m not even going to try and pronounce its name) without burning the house down. None of us lost a limb either so I call it a success. We move everything to the living room where my roommates have taken the sofa, Minghao’s arm unconsciously, or not, around Mingyu’s back.

“This looks amazing,” the latter says.

“I agree,” our youngest adds, leaning forward and smelling. “I told you he was incredible.”  
Smiling at Jun’s general direction I take a bite and my stomach is just blessed. It’s the perfect middle ground between spicy and sweet, he barely put any salt on it but that’s better because I can taste every single ingredient perfectly and how they all combine. Living with Mingyu for so long has made me a very touchy person when it comes to food so I really can’t take shitty food; he’s come to ruined me.

“You’re so amazing,” Minghao’s words are barely audible, given the fact his mouth is filled with food, but both me and Jun understand them and our guest’s smile grown, making something to my stomach I completely hate. “I love you.”

“I love you way more,” the latter replies and, even though he tries to hide it, I catch how _happy_ that three words make him. I’ve learnt that when Jun is beyond happy, his eyes start shinning brighter than every single start, he can literally blind you if you stare directly at him. We humans compare things with stars and the sun a lot, is in our nature. Why? Maybe because there are a few of the most beautiful things we know and, therefore, we compere other thing we find equally as beautiful with them. Does that mean I find Jun’s eyes beautiful? Maybe.

I honestly listen to 10% of the conversation about Outlander my friends are having because the uncomfortable knot I’ve been feeling on the lower part of my stomach is growing and growing, it almost doesn’t let me eat anything. What is it with me lately? Why can’t I think, talk or enjoy things fully? Why do I feel guilty _all_ the time even though I haven’t done anything wrong? I hate not having the answer to questions but even more when it comes to myself. If I don’t know shit about myself, then who does?

“Wonwoo?” Mingyu’s face is really close and I blink. When did he get _so_ close? I shake my head, giving him a questioning smile. “We were asking you for that thing you wanted to say to Jun,” oh, that.

My eyes travel towards him and his starry eyes are filled with concern. I can see his Adam’s apple going up and down quickly and his nails pressing half-moons on his palm, I’m sure. I hate making him uncomfortable but I hate even more to make him insecure.

“Yeah, that,” I wear a real smile this time, I need to calm him down. “We were wondering if you’d like to move in with us.”

His fear turns to confusion and then to disbelief in less than 5 second; he looks at me for a moment before turning towards his best friend. Minghao is wearing a smile of his own and winks towards the older Chinese, who now moves his stare to where Mingyu is -pretty close to me-. My best friend gives him two thumbs up, too worried that talking will break the magic of this moments, I know him enough be sure of that.

Jun finally comes back to me, a wiggly smile forming on his lips. There’s something I can’t read, is as if hundreds of feelings were fighting to take control over him. He’s struggling but he’s also happy and something inside me wants him to be _just_ happy, to say yes and to move in immediately. My mouth, however, stays shut. This is his decision to make and I won’t be the one per pressuring him to make or change it.

Unable to move my eyes away from his, I give him another sweet smile, hoping it helps him relax. He sighs and gives one back.

“Let me think about it.”

That’s way, way, _way_ better than a no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO FUCKING SORRY YOU HAVE NO CLUE -HOW- SORRY I AM. i went on vacation, finished my uni's year, got a bf and changed jobs so my life has been a rollacoster lately.  
> i couldn't write and, honestly, i couldn't do shit but here it is, chapter 6. the conversation jun and cheol have is slightly based on one i had, try to guess who of the two i was. well, i really hope y'all are still enjoying this story because is honestly my favorite and i LOVE it deeply.  
> goodbye, merry christmas if i don't post again before the 25th!!


	7. Seven

 

> _Junhui_

  
My new room is huge and I feel like I own literally nothing, which isn’t that far from reality as half of my clothes are still in the dorm, now owned by my ex-roommates. It’s really weird that I don’t live there anymore but it’s the truth and I need to get used to it as soon as possible. I got the room next to Mingyu’s and either the walls are thicker than they seem or my flat mates are being considerate because I haven’t heard a thing from there yet. The best thing about my new room is that I upgraded from a barely single size bed to one of those that aren’t double but aren’t that far from being one either, it’s so big I’ve spent the majority of this week laying on it. Oh well, the fact that I’m ignoring Wonwoo again added to that. You see, the second I accepted to move in I decided he was going to stick to the roommate label and, the less I see him, the better. I know his girlfriend isn’t here right now, I heard them mentioning it (I have no clue where she is) but she is, she exists and Wonwoo loves her, I don’t need to suffer by creating fake hope. Being friends was alright when I saw him once in a while but no, now I’m not allowing myself to be on his company longer than strictly necessary until my crush disappears completely. It’s not like he’s stupid, he has noticed, but there’s no other way out of this.  
Ringing from my phone, that for some reason I haven’t taken out of my bag, forces me to stand up and I decide to grab a glass of water from the kitchen so I can go back to laying and doing nothing. It’s not Soonyoung’s number, I knew that already, he’s still mad at me. Howeve, didn’t expect to see that contact calling me.  
“Wen Junhui’s phone, how can I help you?” I answer while opening the door before going straight pass the living room where Wonwoo is watching TV. I can see he’s about to say something but when he sees my cell, he simply smiles a weak smile and waves. I give him a smile just as weak and walk to the fridge.  
“I’m calling because Cheoly finally decided to tell me,” he stops for a second and there’s a voice screaming, probably Seungcheol. “Okay, I finally managed to force him to tell me what happened on my birthday. I’m so sorry, Junnie.”  
Snorting, I close the door while locking the phone between my shoulder and my ear to grab a glass. “Josh, it wasn’t the first time and I’m sure it’s not gonna to be the last either, you tend to do that when you’re drunk.”  
It’s weird how I know he’s pouting without being there to see it. “It’s your fault from being so damn sex—AUCH!” Seungcheol hit him. “Okay, sorry, it’s not your fault; I need to stop attacking your mouth every time I have alcohol on my system.”  
I laugh and sip on the water, thinking about the party. I’ve always liked kissing Joshua, he does it on so many different ways I never know which one to expect: he can go for a soft, ‘I missed you’ type of kiss, for a passionate one able to make me hard on a second or for a combination of both. However, I’ve always hated kissing Joshua because he always preferred to be kissing someone else. It’s true I’m not the one initiating the kisses anymore, it’s just intoxicated Shua but it’s something familiar in the mess of newness my life is right now.  
“It’s really okay Josh, I’ve been kissing you since I was 17 so it’s kind of a usual thing by now, you know,” I’ve grown used to this strange friendship my ex and I have built during the last year, maybe longer. It hurt at first but after a while I got over it and started enjoying my friends once again like I used to, well, until Jeonghan moved with his girlfriend last fall, that was a rough time for the three of us.  
“It shouldn’t,” his voice is sad. “You shouldn’t treat this as if you were choosing lunch, Junnie, we’re talking feelings.”  
“Actually, we’re not, Shua,” I leave my glass on the counter and walk back to my room, Wonwoo doesn’t need to listen to this. “Just like you start and stop feeling things, so do I,” closing the door, I leave my weight fall on the bed. “Sorry to inform you this but I don’t love you anymore, not the way I used to at least,” the other end is silent and maybe I went too far; the tone I used proves I’m angry and maybe I am, I’m sick of his treating me like a toy he broke. It’s not the first time I wonder if he liked that, if he liked to know I was in love with him even if he had never been.  
A sigh and I can picture him passing a hand throw his hair. Okay, no, he didn’t like it. He cares for me and, even if he never loved me the way I did, he does love me. “I know you don’t, I’m sorry. I also know I need to stop acting like you’re made of glass, I know, but I just still feel so bad about all this Junnie,” I don’t say anything because, even though it’s been a little more than a year, I want him to know it wasn’t nothing for me and of course I don’t want him to feel bad or guilty, that would be shitty, but I don’t want for him to forget that the thing happened and it was a big shit move from him. “Cheoly told me about him,” Okay, why? I don’t answer because I don’t know what words to use but also because I don’t know how I feel about that fact. “If I could throw both of us off a cliff, I would. If there’s a person on this disgusting world that deserves to be happy, that’s you.”  
I roll my eyes. I should scream ‘hypocrite!’ but I don’t because I know he’s being honest. “Don’t turn philosophy graduate Joshua on, please,” I roll on my side, I really love how big this shit is. “I’m okay, you know, moving was the best decision I’ve made this year so far. I’ve grew out of that tiny dorm and, God, you need to come see my new place, it’s dreamy,” he doesn’t say anything but I know what he’s thinking. “A few month of ignoring him will do, okay? The fact that we live under the same roof doesn’t mean a thing.”  
“Yes, I know,” his voice is so filled with sorrow and I bite the inside of my mouth, I forgot about that and how this may sound to him. “Jun, you can’t run away from this and less than less if you live with him, believe me, I would know.”  
Pointing out that it’s been almost a decade and he couldn’t run away from it even if he lived on Mars doesn’t seem like the best thing to say right now. He’s trying to help me, I know, and I also I know his words carry certain truth to them, but still.  
“I’m not you, Josh, and two months is different from seven years. It’ll work out for me, it has to,” and I’m not sure about it myself but trying to convince him is easier than trying to convince myself.  
Another sigh and I haven’t convinced any of us, I know that for sure. Again, I can picture him running a hand through his hair and exchanging the look with Seungcheol. I hate this feeling and I hate how much I want to burst into tears right now.  
“I love you and I just want you to be happy.”  
Those words would have ripped my heart just a few months ago but now I simply nod.  
“I love you more.”  
He makes me promise the same thing he makes me promise every time we talk: that I’m going to text him and keep in touch and I say I will. Hanging up, I turn my eyes to the ceiling. I also want to be happy, okay? I want to be on a relationship with a person that loves me and only me but I really don’t know how to ask my heart to stop falling for the wrong people. Now that I think about it, what I feel for Wonwoo has nothing against what I used to feel for Joshua and that helps me calm down. I’m not going to lie (like I didn’t to Hansol) and say I didn’t love my ex just to make myself feel better, I did love him and I can recognize that now as much as I can recognize that’s on the past. Why did I lie to my ex-roommate? Honestly, I don’t know why I believed for so long that not saying it out loud and denying it would make things easier, as if lying to people would make the fact that I did love him disappear. Does that even make sense? When we broke up, well, when he broke up with me, he gave me no stupid excuses I wouldn’t have believed anyway, he told me he wasn’t in love with me and, sincerely, I knew that way before he did, which doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt as fuck to hear it coming from him. I was the only one fighting for our relationship, I was the only one fighting for something everyone knew wasn’t worth fighting for, but not doing it meant leaving one of the best years of my life to go to shit, and I wasn’t going to let that happen because I’m a stubborn bastard. And this is exactly what both Joshua and Soonyoung mean with all the words we’ve been sharing: I haven’t learned from my mistake because more than a year later, I’m here in the exact same situation, falling for someone who loves somebody else. Well, at least I know it beforehand this time and it’s not like I’ve to learn it halfway through which is a plus, if anything in this fucked up situation can be a plus. God, I really need a therapist but I don’t want to ruin their life.  
Rubbing my eyes I stare back down at my phone and consider calling Jeonghan but what would I say? He hates me and I’m still kind of angry with him even though none of this was his fault. I miss him, his bright smiles, his bear hugs and his sweet voice that made me feel small and loved again. Making the decision, I tap on the contact and move the device to my right ear. It rings five times before going to the answering machine and I wonder if even for a second I thought he was going to answer.

We’re having pasta for dinner and I forbade Mingyu from even stepping in the kitchen, if I’m living here for free, he’s at least letting me cook and clean until I find a job. God, I need a job. I move the water from the electric kettle to a pot on the stove, drop some salt and cover it, waiting for the water to boil. It’s strange to thing that I’m cooking for four on a Friday night because while I was still on the dorm, these were my nights. I mean, come on, my older roommate was 19. I take my phone out of my pocket and text Soonyoung.  
You: I don’t care how mad you still are at me, we have a project to hand in next week and, sadly, I can’t finish it without you  
When I’m about to put it back, it rings and my face doesn’t know if it should smile or sob.  
Wonwoo: need any help?  
He’s being sweet and cold at the same time and it doesn’t help the messy me to be any less messy.  
You: everything’s under control °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°  
I should be okay with ignoring him but I’m honestly miserable. I miss the friendship we were building and I’m both mad and proud of myself for being able to stand by my initial idea. He had no said in this and that’s what makes me the saddest but what would I have said? ‘You see, I’m crushing hard on you and I think stop talking will be the best, you agree?’ I think not. He has no clue why I’m acting the way I am and I’m sure it hurts him, not as much as I hurt me but still.  
When I put the pasta in, I move to the souse I’ll be making, nothing too complicated but better than eating them plain. I cut the ham on small cubes and then proceed with the onions. Shit, I’ve forgotten how much I hate cutting onions. Putting my hands under the tap, I count to twenty. Onions look for the part of your body with more water, my mum thought me this so I don’t cry as much. And it works. When I’m done with it, just a few tears have left my eyes so I drop everything on a pan, including cream, and then mix the pasta. As I turn around, rubbing my eyes, I realize I’m not alone. Mingyu is standing a few steps from where I am, looking concerned.  
“I don’t know why you always keep everything to yourself,” he walks towards me and pulls me into a hug while I try to understand what the hell is going on. “You don’t have to cry by yourself on the kitchen, Junnie, I’m here for you.”  
It takes me three more seconds to get what he means and I start laughing so hard I’m sure the neighbors are going to complain later.  
“Gyu, the onions,” I mix the past while grabbing my stomach, this is hilarious. “I was cutting onions.”  
His expression changes to embarrassed but starts to laugh as well, idiot. He aims for the souse but I smack his hand away and warn him with a glare, this is my kitchen tonight. Rolling his eyes, he sits on the breakfast bar.  
“So, how are you adapting to your new life?”  
I chuckle while trying the meal and, ugh, it needs salt. “I feel like Zac, or Cody, I’m not sure.”  
“You’re definitely Cody and I’m Zac, you’re not funny enough.”  
“Thanks man,” I drop a bit of condiment and turn towards him. He’s still wearing a suit and it’s too weird for me to see him like this, even though it’s how he dresses most of the time. He’s the lawyer of his family’s business and, yes, he studied law. “You’re more like London, if you ask me.”  
He shakes his head, still smiling. “Did it shock you?”  
“What?” I turn both pans off. “The fact that you dad’s the owner of half the city? A bit, I mean, you’re like Chuck Bass or Mary Crawley but nice.”  
He giggles and helps me serve dinner, it’s weird to think he’s three years older than me, he and Wonwoo are so different. That reminds me I should ask the question that’s been swimming through my head since I met the latter.  
“How did you meet Wonwoo, Gyu?”  
He places the last plate on the table and looks at me. “I met him during my third year of high school, 10 years ago. That’s 6 more than Hao and almost 9 more than you, wow. Anyway, I was the only one that talked with him,” my eyes open in surprise and he chuckles again. “Yep, everyone thought the guy was gonna break their face if they came too close,” now I’m the one laughing and wearing a ‘yes, sure’ expression but he nods. “I’m being honest! He used to wear lots of piercings and black clothes, the dude was intimidating.”  
While we sit on the table and Mingyu calls for dinner, an image of younger Wonwoo trying to look tough crossed my mind and I can’t but laugh.  
Our other two roommates come out their rooms and Mingyu points just below his neck where the back starts so I glance at his best friend across the apartment and there it is, peeking from underneath his sweater, black ink. Oh well, maybe he was tough. I giggle while smacking my forehead, earning a frown from Hao and a smirk from his, not, boyfriend. As Wonwoo returns to the table with a bottle of water, I try to stop my laughter.  
The dinner is going smoothly as we discuss topics as the upcoming exams, to which I’ve already started studying, Touch, the amazing series that got canceled for some stupid reason while the Kardashians are still airing, and we’re making up the Just Dance Tournament (that’s the game I gifted Minghao) rules when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I take it out and my heart stops completely, making me wonder how I’m still alive.  
“Jun?” Mingyu’s voice brings me back to life and I answer before he hangs up.  
“Hi?” My voice sounds strange and little.  
“Jun! I saw your missed call, it’s everything alright? I dropped Elly at the gym and forgot my phone home.”  
“I’m,” the words are stuck in my throat, the happiness he’s giving me it’s unbelievable. “Everything it’s perfectly fine, Han, I just wanted to talk with you.”  
Minghao drops his cutlery, looking my way while smiling and mouthing ‘Jeonghan?’ with huge impressed eyes. I nod, standing up and walking to my room.  
“I missed you, that’s all.”  
There’s silence at the other end of the line for what feels like forever and I’m way too scared of what he’s going to say. “I miss you too, Junnie, so much, but I still feels it’s not correct to see you, I still feel guilty.”  
Of course he does, he’s Jeonghan and he’s going to feel bad for the rest of eternity even though he did nothing wrong. I sigh. “I don’t know how many times I’ll have to tell you that you shouldn’t, you have no part I this,” he swallows and I feel there’s more to this than what I know. “I don’t want to talk about it, I want to talk about you and how your life’s going.”  
So, he tells me. He, his voice, his laugh, everything feels like a journey to the past and it doesn’t hurt anymore, not even a tiny bit. During the last few months I feel like the Jun I used to be is evolving, changing for the better and growing up a lot, I’m maturing. The face or stage of my life I was in is dying, letting space for a new one and I’m insanely proud of myself. There are lots of things I still have to learn and change, yet one of them is holding me back and I really don’t know how to get over it, much less in the current situation I put myself into. I laugh of one of my friends jokes and I truly feel happy right now.

 

> Wonwoo

  
If I had to make a review of the year so far, April will win the award of the worst fucking month. Even though Sally left on February, I also met Jun then so that’s an even. However, just one week in I can’t wait for May to arrive and save me (hoping it’s better). Jun accepted our invitation and moved in, which should mean the world is color pink or whatever but that couldn’t be further from the truth.  
After the mini heart attack I had the day we asked him to live with us, I thought it would be better to keep my distance for a while, not like straight out ignore him but stay away enough to figure out what on Earth is wrong with me, though I never got the chance to try that out because my new roommate avoids me as if I was the bubonic plague. He’s been talking to me, it’s not like he’s a complete jerk, but only when it’s absolutely necessary. We don’t hang out anymore and it’s obvious the friendship we were building has reached an end. Saying that doesn’t hurt me would be a lie but he has taken a decision and I’m going to respect it even if I wish I didn’t have to.  
It’s Monday morning and I don’t have to work today. The apartment looks exactly the same at how it used to when there was only the three of us but, for some, obvious, reason, it feels completely different and I don’t really feel like being here right now. Taking my phone, I text my mum asking if she’s home. It’s been a while since the last time I went to visit, probably since before Sally sailed to Greece (she didn’t, she took a plane). You see, it’s not like I don’t have a good relationship with my family but they live 40 minutes away from the main city where I moved so I can’t drop by as often as I would like to. When I receive a positive as an answer, I grab my car keys and get the hell out.  
My car is parked on the lowest level of our building and since almost 90% of the other residents are working, it takes me no time to get out on the street. The highway is about 20 minutes from home so the trip is almost an hour long but I miss my family and I prefer 60 minutes boiling inside my car than sitting by myself on the couch until someone arrives, Jun probably, which will be even worse than being alone because he’ll be there but he wouldn’t. Every damn road is being repaired (yes, all at the same time, that’s how this stupid country works) so I take streets I hadn’t before just so I can get to my final destiny. Connecting my phone to the stereo during a red light, I listen to some songs without paying too much attention. I’ve always loved driving, feeling the chilly air on my face, the sweet rock of the vehicle and disconnecting from everything but the road. This particular autumn it’s been the nicest I’ve lived so far, the weather isn’t too cruel and the color on the leaves makes everything look magical. The different tones of green, brown, yellow and orange make me want to stop every three blocks to snap pictures.

  
_You were wrong for trusting me_  
I've always been a sucker for the way you move  
We're alone, just you and me  
And you're always second guessing what I've been to you  
Don't let this slide for anyone  
I don't really wanna be there when you go  
And we won't tell them what we've done, no

  
I stare down at the stereo for a second, trying to remember how the hell is this song called.

  
_'Cause when I'm with her I am_  
Thinking of you, thinking of you  
Your lips and your style  
And your anchor tattoo, anchor tattoo  
If your boyfriend finds out  
He'll kill me too  
So now it's just me and you

There you go, Anchor Tattoo by Chase Atlantic, I love this song. When I get to the highway, I go a little faster, turning on the AC, closing the window and trying catching the lyrics a bit better.

  
_The reminders that you left on my neck_  
(Keep me closer to you)  
And your heart beats with every breath  
(You know that I'll be back soon)  
You look so cold, standing on your own  
Can I sleep here, cause we're all alone?  
I've never seen you look so good, no

  
I exhale deeply, blinking once, twice, and I reach for the stereo, changing to the next song, a Fall Out Boy one. I re-open the window. The air inside the car has suddenly become heavier and unbreathable. Not entirely sure why I start to feel something I can’t describe in my brain and my lungs but, for some reason, it doesn’t seem to reach my heart.  
Going back to my parents’ house feels like I’m traveling back in time. They’ve lived in the exact same place since before me or any of my siblings were born. It’s a two stories home with 4 rooms, 3 bathrooms and the biggest garden in the history of gardens, I mean it, I’d hate to be the gardener. I don’t like to compare but if I had to, I’d say my family’s situation isn’t that far from Mingyu’s: he owns buildings, mine fields. I haven’t taken a cent from them since the beginning of the year when I got my job at the library but sometimes they forget and my bank accounts ends up with one or two ceros that shouldn’t be there.  
There’s no need for me to knock, I own a key, but I do it anyway. Layra is the one that gets it, she looks older, her hair is now dark brown, contrasting the light blonde she used to wear, making her green eyes pop up even more than they normally do. People usually say we look alike but I honestly can’t see it, she’s definitely the gorgeous one.  
“Hey baby girl,” I aim for a hug but she puffs and moves again. That’s something she and Minghao have in common. “How have you been?”  
“Hey you. I’ve been fine, not a lot of drama lately, so, you know,” she shrugs but smiles and I launch myself sideways, catching her between my arms this time. “Let go!!”  
“But I missed you so muuuuch,” however, I let her go. She’s 17 already and it’s so weird to think she’ll be starting university next year. I still remember her as this small little being that would run around the house, laughing and stealing mum’s make-up.  
“Is that my most handsome boy?” her voice hasn’t changed even a bit over all these years and neither has she. Her short light brown hair, the same tone as mine, stops right before reaching her shoulders, her skin is soft and perfect as if she was my age and she has the same green eyes as my sister. Right now, she’s wearing a white t-shirt with just some simple jeans, he signature look for the last, at least, 25 years.  
“Don’t let Sewoon hear you say that,” I say, hugging her tightly- Her body is tiny, 20 something centimeters shorter than me and so slim that I can grab my own fingers easily.  
“She says the same thing to him,” my sister comments before we walk towards the living room and she makes her way to the kitchen. There are four gigantic glass windows brightening the space, afternoons have always been beautiful here.  
“So, how’s life?” My mother asks as she sits on the couch to the left while I take the center one.  
“Better than I thought it would. Did I tell you we have a new roommate?”  
“Oh, you do?”  
“Yeah, he’s name’s Junhui and he’s Minghao’s best friend, you know, my other roommate,” and even though I came all the way here to clear my mind of what puts me on a shitty mood, here I am, talking about the same thing I want to get out of my brain to my family.  
“Mm, you don’t like him?” There’s concern and calmness on her voice and I realize that either I just made a face or she knows me way too well for my own good.  
“Who don’t you like?” Layra is back and she leaves the tea pot and 3 cups on the coffee table.  
“Jun, my new roommate, but I do like him,” I sip on the tea and smile, my house always has the best teas. “He’s one of the most interesting persons I’ve ever met, he’s hilarious and he’s personality it’s just gold but, how can I explain this?” I take another sip, thinking about the right words to use. “We got along but we weren’t really friends and now the situation is, em, complicated.”  
“And why’s that?” Screaming to my mum how I really don’t know and that’s exactly the reason I feel like I’m going insane lately isn’t really the best option so I simply shrug, hiding behind my cup and not missing the look my sister throws on my general direction.  
We talk a little bit more about my life: how’s my job at the library going (great, thanks), how’s Sally’s trip (she’s having a great time, actually) and if I’m planning on asking her (no, mum, I’m not going to propose). After that, we switch to their lives. I ask about school, work, dad, Sewoon, my brother’s family and some other things. My current problems slide to the back of my head and I leave the happiness of this moment fill me entirely. Layra has been smiling and laughing this whole time and I almost feel like crying because she just looks so happy, which makes me immensely happy as well.  
Mum’s phone rings and she excuses herself for a second.  
“I have a boyfriend,” her voice is really low and I’m barely able to hear it but it shocks me so much I almost choke on my tea.  
“Wow,” is, obviously, the first thing that comes out of my mouth. I smile. “Who is he?”  
“Youngjin,” if she could speak any lower, then she just did.  
“Best friend since first year of primary school Youngjin?” This gets better with every word she says, The clear image of the two of them when they were around 7 or 8 years old flashes through my mind.  
“That one,” she starts playing with her hands and the next words come out running of her mouth. “He confessed to me last month and I said I’d think about it because, you know, but I did and now we’re dating and like, can you believe it? He, who knows everything about… my condition.”  
Shaking my head, I press a hand against her thigh and squish a little bit. “I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. He obviously likes you because you’re the most amazing and gorgeous girl on the universe, there’s nothing more to it.”  
There’s a small smile on her lips and I see her nodding. Exhaling, she turns to me and it’s about to ask something else when our mum comes back. Her mouth shuts close.  
Seeing her living her life and being genuinely pleased with it is way more than anything I could have asked for. Even if I’m not on the best mental and emotional place right now, knowing that she is feeling fine is enough to make me feel automatically less miserable. If we talk about my family, I’m the one that had it the easier. I’m not feeling 100% right now but that is nothing up against what my siblings or even my parents had to go through a few years ago. I’m just grateful all of them find themselves on a time of their lives they can refer as truly happy.  
After some more chatting and a lot of hugs from my mum, Layra is the one that walks me to the door.  
“There was something else you wanted to ask wasn’t it?”  
“Yeah but I’d the next time I drop by yours, I feel like Mingyu is going to be more useful on this one.”  
I think I know what she means and I drop the subject, I definitely don’t need to turn into protective brother, not now, not ever. This time, she’s the one hugging me, her slender body trapping mine. Resting my cheek on top of her brown mane I realize she’s using my shampoo but I don’t say anything, just enjoy the moment and saving it on my mind for later when I’m not as joyful as I am now. She smells like home and I love her so, so much.  
When she looks away, there’s this look on her eyes and is the most serious I have seen her all day.  
“You’re my brother, I know you and I have no clue of what the actual situation really is but, Won, sometimes you can’t avoid breaking someone’s heart.”

The apartment lights are all off when I arrive but it’s passed 1 am so I’m not really surprised. I texted Mingyu to let him know I didn’t need any dinner and treated myself with the best sushi in the city.  
When I reach for the switch, something inside me stops me centimeters away from actually pressing it. Instead, I turn on the screen of my phone and walk towards the couch, being guide but nothing more that instinct. Jun’s chest moves slowly up and down and his body is lying motionless on the sofa: he’s sleeping.  
For some reason, I don’t move my eyes away from him even when the light dies down. It’s the first time on a week I’m able to look at him this closely and I don’t want to go away just yet. He looks so serene and relaxed, his eyes entirely closed, and it puts me at ease. I would love to shake him awake and start to ask what the hell is going on with him, to tell him that even though it has only been seven days, I miss him and I really don’t want this friendship to die before we even give it the chance to be born.  
However, my sister’s words smack me like a hammer and I rush to my bedroom, slowly starting to change to my pajamas.  
I don’t know exactly what she tried to say but I, for some reason, don’t think she’s right. Still, some part of me wonders which heart she meant.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! happy 2018 people :) i hope you had a wonderful start of the year!! i FINALLY stop working this friday so until i get back to uni i’ll be free and writing *imagine a wink face emoji*. thanks to my lovely friend male for being my beta for this chapter, i love you sweety.  
> pd: i published this from my phone so idk how it’s gonna look but, well, hope you like itttt (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ bye bye


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually put the notes at the end so only people that want to can read them and it doesn't bother those who deon't. However, this time I'm putting them in the beggining so I can apologize to every one of you. I haven't updated for 5 month and I'm so sorry. A lot has happened in my life and I know it's no excuse but I really wasn't in a mental space where I can write. I'm better now and my absolute love (@eviImochi on tw) has helped me with this.  
> Once again, I'm incredibly sorry, I really am.

> _Junhui_

“How do you even do it? I wouldn’t have lasted a week,” Minghao asks from my door, looking around as if he’s on a video game level where he can’t stand on the paper sheets covering my floor almost entirely. We’re weeks into April which means the five letter word we all hate so incredibly much, the word that must not be spoken on this apartment unless you have a strong desire for dying: exams.

I’m resting my back against the side of my bed, trying to read two books at the same time and I swear to all the Gods I don’t believe in that if Minghao steps on one of my notes I’m going to punch him. Not a silly punch, an actual, full of strength punch. “I don’t know and I don’t give a flying crap about it right now. On the other hand, I really do care about you so now go and study before I call Mingyu and let him force your face inside your General Physics book. Again.”

Knowing my treat is 100% real, he runs away towards the bathroom, probably, to take yet _another_ shower, his ultimate favorite procrastination method.

My eyes fly quickly from Electromagnetism to Mechanics and, betraying me, my brain shuts down. Every line seems blurry and I can’t understand a single word I’m reading. Filled with frustration, I throw a pillow, which, of course, hits Wonwoo on the side of his chest. There’s no way my face can be any redder right now and I’m don’t know if I should be happy or sad by the fact that he’s actually smiling at me. The small curvature on his lips helps to wash the uneasiness in my stomach almost completely.

It’s been close to a month since the last time we shared a good time just the two of us and I can’t believe how _much_ I miss him. He hasn’t approached me to talk about our situation nor has he tried to reverse it back to how it used to be which, again, I don’t know how I feel about.

“If you’re going to relive stress through breaking stuff, I recommend you try paintball, it’s surprisingly useful,” his voice is the same but there’s certain distant to it, I hate it.

“I can’t even go to the bathroom without feeling I’m wasting time I could be investing on studying, imagine being like 4 hours out, I’d lose my mind,” that makes him chuckle and I really wish I could make him laugh all the time. However, once he throws my pillow back, he keeps going to wherever he was going before my unexpected soft projectile hit him.

Letting my head fall backwards and rest on the mattress, I close my eyes. Why did I decide to do this? I think I’m suffering even more that I would if I had taken the other path (you know, I’m guessing here because no one knows. I’m actually basing all of it on the amount of how fucking shitty I feel at the moment). The month I spent building my friendship with Wonwoo was one of the best I’ve had lately. I’m not exactly the type of person that has five trillion friends and when I’m getting to know someone is always pretty awkward and tense. With Wonwoo, however, that didn’t happen. He made relationships and socializing way easier that I’d ever imagine possible, not even mentioning that he never made me feel like I was the only one trying to make it work.

Do you want to know how to screw up the good things that happen to you? Hit me up.

But what’s even worse is that I realized all this has been useless. My small bush has now grown flowers: my crush hasn’t gone anywhere. Why did I think it would is still a mystery to me -or not-. The conversation I had with Joshua two weeks ago comes back to my mind and it hits me that I _never_ truly believe my crush will die like it desperately should. Maybe that’s the exact reason why Soonyoung is _still_ mad at me.

I face sideways and inhale deeply. Why on Earth did I say yes? Why did I go and make things more complicated? Why couldn’t I just stay on my shit-hole dormitory? Oh yes, because I’m a complete idiot.

I don’t want to but I stand up, knowing that, even if I stay here, there’s no way anything can get into my brain at the moment. As I pick up my phone I play the opposite of ‘the floor is lava’, trying not to step on any of my lose papers, notebooks, actual books, photocopies, notes and everything else that’s lying around.

 

“What do you want?” He doesn’t sound angry, just tired. There are black bags under his eyes, which don’t look as bright as they usually do. His hair is a mess and he’s still on his pajamas. At 5PM.

Before giving him the chance to say or do anything else I drop all my weight on top of him, hugging his slender (way thinner than it used to) body as if my life depended on it, making him lose his balance and stumble a little. I both feel and hear him sigh, relaxing between my arms. His hand is petting my head and I exhale as well.

“Wen Junhui, can you not? I can’t stay indignant with you when you do stuff like this.”

My answer is simply squishing him harder, letting him know he’s not going anywhere anytime soon and he better stop being mad once and for all.

Soonyoung has always smelled nice, he has a soft scent: not too sweet, not too invasive. I’ve never known how to refer to it so, for me, it’s just _his_ smells. It’s a mixture of a lot of things, like flowers, candles and probably just the natural aroma of his skin but, right now, I don’t care about all that. Now, all I care about is the fact I can smell it again.

He’s the first friend I made when I entered uni: he sat next to me and started talking as if we had known each other our whole lives. I, of course, was too shy to answer so he practically spoke to himself for a week, joined by some nodding and maybe a word or two from my part. After a while, I actually started to participate on our conversations and we never stopped being together since then. He has a light, if not the lightest, personality that automatically makes people feel comfortable and have a good time. He’s brutally honest sometimes, sassy and caring, always putting other before himself. When it comes to me, however, that particular trait of him has made him suffer quite a bit. Why? Because I’m a dumbass, of course.

 I don’t know when I started crying but my tears are now covering both my face and his shirt. Mumbling something that probably didn’t sounded like an ‘I’m sorry’ I try to move away yet the hand that was petting my hair just a moment ago won’t let me, pinning me in place and forcing me to stay just where I am. Maybe it’s due to the exam period stress or the fact I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely lately because I don’t tend to cry so easily.

“You shouldn’t be apologizing. Not for crying, not for what you came here to apologize for,” his voice sound forced calm and I can feel his body trembling with the sob he’s holding back. “I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness; Jihoon has repeated that nonstop for the last few weeks even though he was sure I knew that all along. You’re one of my best friends, Jun, and I love you so much. That makes me unable to drawn a line where your life is _yours_ and I can’t just tell you how to live it. I must respect the decisions you make, even if I really, really don’t like them.”

“Still, you were right,” ugh, I hate how my voice sounds when I cry.

“Even if I wa-” he doesn’t get to finish the sentence as the sound of a small hand smacking his nape cuts him off.

“Invite him fucking in Soonyoung. God, where did you lose your manners?” Jihoon’s hair is back to blonde and, when we make eye contact, he blessed me with his usual Jihoon Smile.

Flushing after realizing he had me sobbing at the doorway, Soonyoung guides me to their room, the second door to the left. It’s almost identical to the one I used to own but bigger, as this is mean to fit two people on it. Both beds are parallel to each other, divided but a tiny hallway (it’s not as both where on use but we can pretend they are).

Just because he’s a gift from heaven, Jihoon bring us two glasses of water and aims to leave before I grab his wrist and shake my head for him to stay. So he does, taking a sit next to his boyfriend on the bed in front of me. I’m really used to this image but I’ll never not love it, being both of them my friends and seeing them making each other happy it’s the best.

“You were right, about me moving, about my thing with Wonwoo, about everything. I really don’t know why I was trying to convince myself it was a good idea when I always knew it wasn’t. I missed him so much and I see him every day. He’s the closest to me he’s been so far and I still feel like he’s a whole ocean away. I’m falling deep into all of this but, more importantly, into him. The situation is making both of us miserable and it’s nobody’s fault but mine and I really don’t know what else I should do, nothing seems to work and I’m burring myself deeper with every decision I make,” I rush the words out, scared of starting crying again in the middle of my rant.

“I want to say ‘I told you so’ but I’m not _that_ big of an ass,” my friend passes a hand through his hair while he gives me an apologetic smile. “For the first time in my life, I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say or do to help you, I feel so useless.”

“I’m with Youngy this time,” my other friend adds. “What if you moved back?”

“Well, I can’t. I must wait until the end of the semester to request my old bedroom again and, even if I did, I don’t really believe it would solve the problem. Wonwoo isn’t just my best friends’ roommate but he’s also one of their best friends as well and, now that we know each other, I feel there’s not out of this. I’m so lost and gloomy all the time, I feel like Joshua…”

That makes them chuckle a little and I smile sincerely for the first time in a while. Maybe my love live fucking sucks right now but at least I’m not feeling lonely anymore.

 

> _Wonwoo_

Jun doesn’t come back for dinner and I tell myself I’m not worrying about him lying dead on a ditch somewhere but it’s not really working and I can’t stop eying the door every three seconds.

Today was the day I accepted something I’ve known for a petty long time: I have a crush on our new roommate.

It’s been so long since the last time I crushed on someone it took me way too long to get what was happening. That and the guilt. I know it’s normal to still find other people attractive while you’re on a relationship. Damn, Sally and I even talk about pretty people we see on the street. However, this feels different because I know it is. She wouldn’t be a tiny bit happy about it even if I assure her I still love her with all my heart –which I, of course, do-. We don’t tend to keep secrets from each other, yet this time I _can’t_ tell her, it will worry her too much. I’ve decided to wait for this to just go away like small crushes do but I also know that not talking with Jun it’s not helping. I keep thinking about why he’s ignoring me and, consequently, thinking about him _way_ too much.

I miss him, I miss talking with him, I miss making him laugh, I miss his stupidly clever jokes and I miss spending time with a really cool person. My mind can’t wrap around any actual reasons as why he _is_ ignoring me but it took me a month to realize I was crushing on him so I’m probably not the brightest.

He behaves normally when it comes to Hao and Mingyu, just as he did since I’ve known him, so what doesn’t he with me? Why am I different? Did he actually never liked me and was just pretending? I doubt it. Even now, when we share small talks (the only ones we share) he seems okay with me, just a little awkward. This is my dead end. I always reach this point and no answer.

We’ve finished eating and my roommates are sitting on the couch, Gyu’s arm behind Minghao, when the front door opens. It started raining no long ago so Jun’s hair and clothes are a little wet but, thankfully, he’s not soaked. We make eye contact for a second and he gives me the start of a little smile.

“Sorry, I’m late,” he’s voice is low and calm while he takes off his jacket.

“Don’t apology,” Mingyu shoots, looking away from the TV screen. “This is your house, Junnie, you can come and go as you like.”

With another smile, this time towards the couch, he disappears into his room.

Another thing I’ve notice is how incredibly uncomfortable I seem to make him. I don’t know if that has to do with why he’s avoiding me of if it’s more of an ‘I’m avoiding you so it’s uncomfortable’ kind of thing. God, I wish at least one of all these questions had an answer.

I feel Hao’s eyes on me –I’m still looking at Jun’s door- and smile at him before walking to one of the armchair and pretend to focus on the How to Get Away with Murder episode they’ve been watching.

Even if I _just_ realize this thing I feel for Jun, do they know? Mingyu has always been better at understanding me than me myself and Minghao is really good at reading people’s moods in general, I mean, he seems to knows better than anyone what’s going on 90% of the time, even when he’s not even part of what _is_ going on, so maybe, _maybe_ they know something. I really hope they don’t.

When I hear Jun’s door reopening I force myself not to look on that direction, the fact I now know what I feel doesn’t mean he has to as well. However, as I’m a weak fuck, my eyes travel back to him the second he sits on the armchair in front of mine.

He’s taken a quick, the quickest ever, shower and it’s now drying his blue hair with a towel. He’s changed into his pyjama pants and a grey sweater and I deeply wished it was my dick getting harder that my heart faster but, well, at least not uncalled boners. Our eyes meet _again_ and he gives me another one of his awkward smiles that must mean ‘please stop staring at me you creep’ before focusing on Mingyu once more.

“I’m sorry I missed dinner.”

“I told you, you move like you like in here.”

“I’m not sorry to you, I’m sorry for me,” as he sighs dramatically, he places a hand on his forehand and shakes his head. I chuckle. He has this ability to brighter any mood, it’s incredible.

“You should be,” the youngest says with Gyu’s arm still hugging him probably not that unconsciously. “Sadly not everyone have a partner that can cook as well as mine.”

Never, in my 24 years alive, have I experience such silence. It seems as if the apartment’s air has been sucked away and the four of us are out in space without a single spacesuit. I stare at my best friend who’s, consequently, still staring at the screen, pretending nothing just happened but smiling so widely I can see his molars.

Jun gives Hao a glance and then turns to me, asking with his eyes if _that_ really just happened. Oh yes, _that_ really just happened. What the hell.

“I-I’m-We,” honestly, I have no clue what to say. I’ve known these two for a really long time and it’s the first time in two years or so they’ve referred as themselves as a couple. I never pressured them about it and stopped asking after my conversation with Mingyu but, well, of course I wanted to know.

“He’s sad because his girlfriend can’t cook as well as you can,” Minghao adds and I can’t but agree. Sally has never been the best cook and she has no interest on it either.

“Well, I’m sorry Mr. My Boyfriend’s the Best,” Jun’s voice is a complete mess of emotions. I perceive sarcasm, of course, happiness and a bit of sadness, I feel as if I could read him like a recipe.

I’m so happy I can’t but jump into their sofa and kiss both their cheeks, making them laugh.

 

We finish the episode, I make tea and Minghao asks Jun where he was. I’m half listening half not, staring at the latter. I was wondering why I’m crushing on him of all people but it’s just _so_ obvious. He’s funny, incredibly, and amazingly nice. He has a really bright personality and I’ve seen him smile 80% of the time we’ve spent together. His features are strong but his expressions soft and both suit him perfectly. He has not exactly dark eyes, a pretty pouty mouth and cute moles everywhere. His arms and legs are muscular and well defined, thanks to the dancing I guess.

The water is ready and I go back to the table, trying to think of _anything_ but Jun’s thighs.

“They’re so lucky,” it’s the first thing I hear and it comes from Mingyu. “Soonyoung felt into a golden river or something when he was born, there’s no way on Earth someone can have _so much_ luck.

“You live with your boyfriend too you idiot,” Jun laughs as he bends to pick up his cup, thanking me with a nod.

“Soonyoung has a boyfriend?” I’ve seen the dude like twice so I’m not surprised I didn’t know that.

“Ye, Jihoon,” he doesn’t look at me even if the answers _is_ for me, okay. “They started dating last year and, in Soonyoung’s voice, ‘having the dorm to ourselves is as precious and rare as a shooting star.”

Oh, I know the feeling. When Sally was still at university, she shared hers with other 2 girls and, let me tell you, those walls are thin as _hell_ so when we were alone, we didn’t waist a second of it.

“They at least live together. I remember you told me how much you used to spend going to Joshua’s once he moved out of his family home,” Hao points out before sipping on his tea and it makes Jun shiver.

“So much money,” he mumbles as he shakes his head and sips as well.

Since he was mention, I’m incredibly intrigued to meet this Joshua dude. I really want to know what kind of person he is, how looks like, all that. Honestly, I’m curious about Jun’s life in general. I know so little about him and it’s not close to enough, I want to meet him properly and be his friend again.

 

Lying on my bed after texting Sally for around an hour, I stare at the ceiling, eyes wild open and, for the thousandth time, consider the situation. How can I approach my roommate about this? Can I simply go to him and drop the ‘hey dude why the fuck are you ignoring me’ bomb? I guess no. All I know is that I need to put a stop to this as soon as possible, make him at least tell me that he hates me or something. Well, let’s hope it’s not that. I just wish I could read his mind and know what’s going through it.  I’ve considered asking any of my best friends about it, if they know anything or if they have at least noticed any of this but they have, I know, and there’s no need to _also_ bring them into this mess.

Whatever the problem is, it’s strictly between Jun and I and I’m going to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still gonna leave one here because it's my thing.  
> i hope you liked it, thanks if you're still reading this, ily (/^▽^)/


	9. Nine

> _Junhui_

Since Minghao and Mingyu admitted their relationship, our dynamics had changed a tiny bit. Now, I can walk into the apartment and find them napping on the couch, kissing on the kitchen, hugging on the hallway or just being more lovely with each other. I’ve also discovered that my room’s walls _are_ thick as fuck but the bathroom’s _aren’t_ so if I wake up in the middle of the night with the urge to pee, I better be careful before opening the door.

Exams are thankfully over and I can’t believe I scored over six on every single one of my classes and have now two weeks to slack off.

Today I have my last Physics class before my short break and, to be honest, I’m paying absolutely no attention to what my dear Professor is saying (future Jun is going to regret this). Wonwoo has completely changed his strategy and I’m not sure if I like it. Until now, he had followed my lead and didn’t approach me about spending time together or even talked to me when it wasn’t absolutely necessary. Now, however, he _is_ trying. He makes small talk every time he can, he smiles at me and, this morning, he even stopped my attempt of running away from a solo-Jun-and-Wonwoo situation by saying I needed breakfast and stated asking how I had done in my exams.

Being on a room with him until now had feel like an ocean I couldn’t swim on but now, it’s feels like the whole house is on fire and I can’t run away from it because fucking Wonwoo wants to know how I like my coffee (with soy milk and three of sugar, thank you). And when I say he feels like fire, I mean it. I’ve been having really uncomfortable dreams lately and hurting all over because I _refuse_ to take care of it, I just can’t.

I hate him.

I sure wish I did.

Last week, with 21 useless years old, I had to go to the first floor in our building to wash my ugly sheets because my hot roommate slides into my dreams like a huge ass fireball and makes me more than sweaty.

I already know that whatever the hell I’m doing it’s not working but I don’t know _what else_ to do about this whole situation. To be honest, I don’t even know what’s the perfect solution or a solution at all. It’s not like I can’t suddenly go back to talking with him and drop a nice ‘you make my dick go hard and my heart want to pop out my chest, what do’.

“Jun,” Soonyoung voice is teasing. “I prefer not to know what, or who, you’re thinking about but class is over and you need to move that really defined ass of yours out of here.”

And I do, not before throwing him a huge glare.

Minghao is waiting for us outside and lots of eyes focus on him for at least 10 seconds before moving once again. He’s wearing skinny black jeans and a long blue sweater that gives him sweater paws, cute. He’s a person that calls for you to stare, no matter what he has on.

“Hey, how was the last lesson before freedom?”

“Boring, at least for Jun,”” my friend’s voice is _still_ teasing. “He spent it day dreaming about Ryan Gosling.”

I roll my eyes. “It was obviously about Andrew Garfield, do you even know me?”

Minghao’s laugh is cut short by his boyfriend hand turning him around. I’m so shock by the fact that Wonwoo is also here that I almost miss the gyuhao kiss and Soonyoung dumb folded expression. Almost.

“You-you just kissed him.”

“Well, he’s my boyfriend,” Mingyu answers as if it’s nothing. Ass.

“B-but you,” in all these years I’ve met him, I’ve never seen Kwon Soonyoung out of words.

“We’re having lunch to celebrate the end of your exams,” Wonwoo sounds really excited and I and very much scared for my well-being. “Wanna come?”

“I can’t. Jihoon has managed to shoo our roommates the fuck out so I need to run, see you guy later,” and with that, he disappears. God, I’m fucked.

“So, where do you want to go?” He’s doing it again, he’s talking to as if I’m not treating him as if he was cursed.

“Wherever is fine,” I say looking at the floor, avoiding his eyes. I want him to go back to being helpful Wonwoo but at the same time I truly don’t. The method wasn’t working but at least, by not talking or interacting, there was no way he could find out about everything but, mostly, about what’s worrying me the most lately: all the hard-ons he’s been giving me.

We share lots of things and could make really good friends but what if he finds out how I really feel? I don’t think he would kick me out but it’d be definitely worse than whatever we’re going through at the moment. Another part of me –the one I’m not that big of a fan of- wished he would find out, see what he would say and do, how he would react and how does he feel.

However, I know perfectly know how he feels: he loves his girlfriend.

 

We end up going to a really nice restaurant close to our apartment (it’s still weird to include me in such statement) which has pretty great quality food and it’s also nice on my pocket. Is easier to hang out with Wonwoo when the guys are around because, even though he talks to me now, he doesn’t _only_ talks to me, which means I get to inhale air every once in a while. Cheesy comment time, I miss him so incredibly much that I hate myself constantly, after all, he’s the first person to whom I could interact normally from the start. He _is_ different, even if I’m still not sure how. What I do know is I need to get my shit together and find a way to solve all this fucking mess.

Mingyu asked about my math final and I’m just about to start ranting on the topic when my phone starts ringing. I have no clue why it’s not on silence but I’m glad about it because if I hadn’t heard my mom’s ringtone, I wouldn’t have answered.

“Hello?” I’m frowning and switched to Chinese so, obviously, Minghao’s focuses on me.

“Jun, baby, I’m sorry for bothering you,” her voice (which I love a lot) sound relaxed so my shoulders do as well and, with them, Hao’s expression. Mingyu is trying to pick up all of it and translate on his brain at the same time and Wonwoo just looks a mixture between confused and concerned. “I know we have talked about this a billion times but I really need for you to drop by next week.”

“Mum, is everything really fine?” Both my friends tense once more and I guess Wonwoo caches that because so does he.

“Oh, yes of course! It’s just something you can’t really say on the phone, you know? Oh, and dear, please bring Joshua with you, would you?”

Okay, what? I’m about to ask why the hell does she needs for me to bring my ex to our family gather –not that she knows about that- when I hear her scream something away from the phone, towards the dog probably, and say goodbye joined by and ‘I love you’ right after. I barely get to say it back before the phone call is over.

Well, that was something. I stare at my phone and decide to face the music sooner than later, after all, I already have the damn thing out in the middle of the meal. Mumbling a small ‘excuse me, I dial his number.

“Hi,” can the three of them stop staring at me? That makes it even _more_ awkward.

“Junnie, what’s up?” He sounds sleepy.

“Sorry Josh, were you sleeping?” Minghao’s worry turns into full out confusion.

“Nah, just finished lunch,” my mind form the image of him lying on the couch and watching TV almost immediately. I smile.

“Then, I’m sorry to inform your lazy ass that I need it on Wednesday, your mother-in-law is requesting our presence.”

Both Mingyu and Hao roll their eyes and go back to their dishes but Wonwoo watches me even more intensely. I thing I’m going to combust.

There’s a rubbing sound and I can tell he’s straightening his back. “I can I wonder why such honour has been given to such a cheap soul like mine?”

I chuckle. “No clue but she needs us.”

There’s a little silence and I can tell he’s thinking, it’s almost as if I could hear the gears of his brain moving and clicking. “Sure but only if I get to pick you up and scare tiny Mr. Handsome what’s his name.”

Sighing, I lower my voice. “You couldn’t scare a snail even if you tried to. I’ll text you my address, now let me finish my meal.”

“Hey! You called!”

I put my phone back where it belongs, grab a bite of my meal and shake my head towards my friends. I can’t explain what just happened because I don’t even know it myself. If this has anything to do with Shua and me, it’s going to be a _painfully_ embarrassing conversation to have with my mum. Oh God, please don’t be that. She’ll probably get mad with both of us and that wouldn’t be nice because I’m finally not anymore.

 

My older roommates insist to pay for lunch, saying we were celebrating ‘the younger’s successes’ and, therefore, we just can’t pay a single coin. Neither Minghao nor me agree but there’s no use in trying and change their mind so we end up giving in, not before letting them now that, next time, it’s on _us_.

On the ride home, I try to explain to them what my mum told me and ask if they have any clue what she could want and why on Earth does she need Joshua for that. None of them can come with a realistic answer and we simply give up on it after a few tries.

Once in my room, I try to think about it again but, no matter what, my mind keeps traveling back to my oldest roommate and how the hell I’m going to deal with all this without destroying myself on the process.

 

> _Wonwoo_

The TV is on but I’m honestly paying none attention to it, like most of the time (which makes me realize that maybe that’s why the electricity bill’s so high). My mind is back at the restaurant or, more precisely, on Jun’s second call. So, Joshua is coming this Wednesday, great, I’m finally going to meet the guy. I shift on the couch. There’s this disgusting feeling growing on the pit of my stomach and I’ve never felt as such a hypocrite in my whole life. There’s no way on Earth _I_ can feel any type of jealousy over him.

What I should be feeling is way more guilt than I’m feeling and I’m actually starting to believe I’m a fucking awful person. It’s a crush and I know they happen even when one’s in love but it still feels like cheating. I’m going insane and not knowing what to do it’s actually killing me.

I’ve been trying to reconnect with my new roommate for the past few days because, maybe, if we go back to being friends and actually talking, this physical attraction I feel for him will disappear because my brain will focus on his mind and not his body.

It’s not working. I haven’t managed any progress and being close to him on these awkward silences is not helping my situation at _all_.

Sighing, I change the channel just to try and focus my brain on something else. However, another distraction comes in the form of a door opening and closing. With the remote still facing the screen, I force my tired eyes to follow the sound and, suddenly, I’m not tired anymore.

Jun has come out of his room, looking really sleepy, and walks all the way to the fridge. Trying but failing at not looking, I follow as he opens the refrigerator, fills a glass of water and then put the bottle back on its place. He’s wearing a blue t-shirt way too big for him –probably Mingyu’s- and a pair of grey boxers with red hearts on them. He’s barefoot (which means he could have just electrocuted himself to death) and his fringe is pinned back with a pin. I’ve never seen him with so little clothes and it’s _dangerous,_ really dangerous.

I’ve probably, as the creep I am, being staring for way too long because his head moves and our eyes meet. Not knowing what to do, I shallow. He not just chokes on his water but also drops the remaining one all over his chest.

I stand up almost unconsciously and reach his side on a second. “Are you okay?”

He simply nods, staring at the stain as his hands travel all the way to the end of his shorts sleeves, pulling it down a little. He’s embarrassed and that makes him even _more_ dangerous.

“Wait here,” travelling quickly to my room, I destroy my closet looking for a plain clean top. After making a mess for a few seconds, I pick up a black one.

Jun is still standing by the counters, looking lost and little. It hits me how _young_ he actually is and I want to hug him and never let go. Instead, I walk towards him and handle him the piece of clothing. It’s a bit chilly here even though the heater is on and he may be freezing his ass off. Probably, I should have let him go back to his room freely, I’m such and idiot.

“Sorry it took me so long, my wardrobe is a huge disaster,” that’s not entirely a lie. With a sincere smile, he grabs the top. God, I miss his smiles so much.

“Thank you,” his voice is small but it carries his happy expression with it. As he looks up, I catch so many thing on his eyes I can’t even process half of them. This may be the first time he’s looked me directly since he moved in and I cherish the moment, hoping for it to never end.

Still, my blue haired roommate moves back to where he came from and I realized there’s nothing holding him back. I stay still, staring at the empty glass. It was short but probably the best moment we’ve shared in the last month.

As I sit back on the couch, Jun’s door opens once more and my heart stops completely.

I didn’t think this trough. I really didn’t.

He’s wearing pants now, thank _God_ , but’s he’s also wearing my short sleeves. It doesn’t fit him as big as Mingyu’s but it’s still big on him and this is probably worse than seeing him completely naked.

He’s still smiling and walks to the sofa in a normal pace. As he takes a sit beside me, I keep my mouth shut, fighting against my jaw that wants to meet the floor. This is exactly want I wanted, to have my friend back, so why does my heart feels torn? Oh, yeah, maybe because I’m a fucking passive cheater.

“Thanks,” he repeats. His voice is just so filled with emotions I want to be able to understand them all. He’s so special. “It’s really soft.”

He could have been wearing a rock and I’ll have nodded any way. “It is.”

“So, what are you watching?” he moves his graze to the screen and I force myself to do the same.

“Honestly, no clue, I was just channel surfing,” again, that’s not entirely I lie because I was, I didn’t have the intention of finding something, yes, but I was.

He hesitates for a bit but, after a short minute, turns his eyes back to me, killing me for the how knows thousandth time tonight. “Wanna try something?”

My mind travels to lots of places that aren’t exactly kid friendly and I kick myself mentally. Knowing Jun, he’ll just put on a Thriller on Netflix and be done with is. “Sure.”

He reaches for the remote and, to my surprise, clicks the mute bottom.

“Now, we make our own movie, if you’re awake enough, of course.”

I’ve never been more awake in my entire life and the fact he used ‘we’ to talk about the both of us made me feel _things_.

Moving my eyes back to the screen, I analyse the scene. There are few people on it but two blond dudes catch my attention and go with the first time that comes to mind. “The light haired are cousins.”

I can see Jun nodding on the corner of my eyes. The scene moves to a big house and he adds. “They live together because their parents are in jail.”

I choke on a laugh for the sudden dark twist and it makes my roommate laughs as well. You know when you hear a new song and you just _know_ it’s going to be your favourite? Well, Jun’s laugh is my new favourite song.

The problem is, I already have a favourite song, a song I love with every single nerve in my body and there’s no way on Earth I’ll stop listing to it. My metaphor doesn’t really work because I can have to favourite songs but not two favourite laughs.

“They were dealers,” if he goes for a darker tone, so do I.

My blue haired roommate nods once more and adds. “And one of the mums killed a guy.”

Damn, that’s awful. The movie moves to a bar scene and one of the cousins is clearly hitting on the barista.

“He wants free drinks because alcohol makes him forget his problems.”

“True,” Jun agrees. “But he doesn’t even like her, he’s gay.”

My head turns slightly to him. I don’t exactly know if he’s gay himself and I don’t think I should ask, it’s not even important, I’m just curious. Feeling sorry for the guy on the screen, I keep going.

We make each other laugh a lot and I realize we have a pretty similar sense of humour, even more than I used to think. He seems to be having a great time, just like me, but I still have to remind myself to stare at the screen and not at him.

There’s a particular scene, half an hour into the movie, when the blond alcoholic cousin makes the barista cry. “He’s breaking up with her,” the words feel so heavy in my mouth I have to shake my head a little.

Jun isn’t having it so he scolds me with his eyes before completing the idea for me, “Because he’s in love with a pillow.”

My face fills with disbelieve and we both break into laughter once more. He’s changed his position and it’s resting his cheek on his knees, looking really calm. It’s almost hypnotic.

After two movies, we’ve killed and revived half a docent character, some more than once, sent two to jail, three to the hospital, accused a pair of incest –we thought they were siblings but it turned out they were a couple, okay? Don’t judge- and form lots of couples.

Lucky for us that the walls are really thick because nor did our roommates or some neighbour turned up to shut us the hell up. He laughed more than I did simply because I had to remind myself to breathe every time he looked on my general direction but it was very fun.

After the second movie is done, I walk toward the kitchen counter to make some coffee but Jun refuses.

“I should get at least some sleep,” getting up, he smiles at me once more. “Thanks, I had a great time.”

“So did I,” and I really mean it.

As he disappears back in his room for the second time, I just _know_ I finally have him back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is actually the second chapter i wrote -with quite a few changes so it'll fit the story- so i'm glad i'm finally publishing it. the new two chapters are rollarcoasters of emotions so be prepared my dudes


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMFG IT'S BEEN 80 THOUSAND YEARS SINCE I'VE UPLOADED AND I'M SO SO SO SORRY GUYS!! A lot was going on with my life and just now i'm getting out of a huge writer's block. I wasn't the biggest fan of this chapter tho but both my best friends read it and really liked it so it gave me a little bit more of confidence. ANYWAYS, i bought my first mac and this shit is so amazing, it's so comfortable to write on it and i really hope that factor helps me write more and being more consistent with my uploads. Also, i didn't double check this chapter so if it has any typos or errors, forgive me. If you're still here or if you're new to this story, thank you for reading it 🥀

 

_Junhui_

 

That night was exactly what I needed, even if I wasn’t aware of that beforehand: it gave me the opportunity to get back into the friendship path with Wonwoo without having to explain to him why I left it on the first place.

When I woke up the noon after, he joked about my hair, I dissed his outfit (that wasn’t ugly at all) and everything was back to normal. Now that our relationship is back I can point exactly _how_ much I missed it and, let me tell you, it’s a big as fuck number, I’m sure you can’t even fit it into a phone, or even calculator.

The weekend was the best since I moved in. None of us left the house, we played Monopoly -I won like 4 times-, ate take-away pizza and watched classics (which consist of the golden trilogies: Back to the Future, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and some other films like Harry Potter, Hocus Pocus and Blade Runner). Our roommates seem even more relief that us that everything is back to how it used to be, Minghao looks delighted.

Now, it’s just Wonwoo and I, as the guys went out to do the monthly visit to the market and neither of us felt like tagging along. Mingyu is really bossy and Hao gets bored, which means consequently annoying, after only 20 minutes. All that makes those trip belong to the _Top 10 places you don’t want to be at,_ it’s not pretty.

Given the fact that uni is practically closed for the next two weeks, Wonwoo gets the same small vacations as we do, lucky ass.

“What should we watch?” we’re sitting on the sofa; I’m small with my legs drawn and a thin blanket over them because May has decided it’s finally time for Autumn to start, thank God, I was getting incredibly tired of the disgusting hot weather.

“Bake Off?” we don’t even follow the show but it’s so funny, the most extra cooking show on the universe.

“Sure but if I spot something really tasty I’m going to force you to cook it for me, deal?” he grins on my direction, extending a hand towards me but I simply roll my eyes and ignore him, trying really hard to pay no attention to the hot that has just born on my chest.

It’s sad to say I’ve realized there’s no fucking way to make this crush disappear? It’s worse than a plague, I can’t even. Fighting against it and looking for ways to shoo it hasn’t been working so I’ve settle for simply ignore it and enjoy my friend.

“If you buy the ingredients…” I leave out as he changes channels.

Luckily for us, some dude is screaming about his rise on our screen as soon as he reaches the channel. We’re half watching, half not. Wonwoo’s playing on his phone and I’m reading a book, not paying exactly too much attention to the burned rise (how do you burn rise? Can you even do that? Is he useless? I don’t know any of this answers). Just being on his company relaxes me, which obviously scares me like hell but hey, let’s ignore it and hide it on the deepest place of my heart, perfectly heathy.

The bell rings and I think it’s the first time I’ve heard that thing being used. I pressed it once before I moved in but that was the last time I even remembered we have it. When it comes to food, we always use apps so they send us a message when they’re downstairs and some of us go for it. We look at each other for a few seconds, neither of us wanting to stand up. Wonwoo is about to tell me I have to go but I pout, which makes him roll his eyes and go himself instead. Both Hao and I have learned it’s his weakness and, obviously, use it against him as much as needed. As he walks towards the door, I pick my books again and read the same paragraph for the fifth time without really reading it. Who know how, sometimes, you can read something but instantly forget it as if you hadn’t even done it on the first place? Well, that’s been me for the past 15 minutes. Maybe I should just drop it until there’s nothing distracting me, like my sexy roommate or rise guy.

Wonwoo is asking the person downstairs who they are and what they need. For some reason, their voice sounds familiar, even more when they say my name. My eyebrows fly up and I listen closely.

“…pick him up. Can I come in or you’ll make me wait out here?”

Joshua.

I’d recognize that sarcastic tone anywhere.

Grabbing the remote, I press the Guide bottom and my roommate gives me a judging look. It’s Wednesday. How the hell could I forget?

“Shit,” that doesn’t help Wonwoo’s expression. “Shit, shit, SHIT! Let him in and tell him I’ll be right back,” and I disappear into my room faster than Marty travelled to 1955. I change into a pair of jeans, a grey shirt, a black sweater, wash my teeth, fix my hair to look something close to tidy (it’s a lot less blue now) and go back out before you could count to 10 (well, maybe not but it doesn’t matter).

Joshua is just standing there, looking at the pictures that are hanging from the wall, wearing black leggings, a really oversized stripped hoodie and oh my fucking god his hair is salmon pick. I stop on my feet, almost every air I have on my lungs freeing itself. He looks stunning and I feel 3 years back in the past. Next to him, Wonwoo has his arms crossed over his dark sweater, which contrasts perfectly with his light hair. They can’t be any more different from one another and I wonder if I even have a type, probably not. Having them both on the same room is as breath-taking as it’s overwhelming, not gonna lie.

When my friend’s, and guest’s, eyes find mine, a smile grows on his lips and he walks my direction. My other equally hot friend also notices I’m back and moves as well. I have no clue if he knows anything about my ex but I’m pretty sure our others roommates wouldn’t have kept it quiet.

Before I can even look anywhere, a pair of long arms trap me into a huge bear hug. It’s been a while since the last time -sober- Shua hugged me so I close my eyes shot, enjoying his warmth. He’s saying hi but I simply nod, not wanting to break the moment. He doesn’t simply feel good, he feels _familiar_ , an adjective I haven’t used in a while.

Wonwoo is looking at the wall behind us, looking pretty uncomfortable and trying to give all the privacy is possible to give when you’re on the same room. Even though I really don’t want to, I introduce them as quickly as I can because I really want to get out of this situation and I think we all share the same desire.

“Nice to meet you,” my roommate’s tone is polite but distant and I wonder once more just how _much_ he knows about Josh.

“Same here,” the later is wearing a mixture between a fake smile and a grin. Oh no, abort mission, abort mission, let’s get **out** of here.

“Joshua Hong, your mother-in-law hates unpunctuality, I thought you knew that by now,” and while I push him towards the door, I turn to my other friend. “I doubt I’ll make it before dinner but, in case I do, I’ll let you know, okay? Good luck when the lovebirds come back.”

Wonwoo gives me a nod joined by one of his smiles and I want to slam the door but, instead, I closed it behind me like a normal human being. As we walk towards the elevator, Joshua shots me a pity look.

It weird, the whole situation is weird. The two meeting and me being in the same exact room, going back home after so long, mum asking for both of us to go, all of it is just too much and my head spins.

“He’s handsome,” Joshua comments as he starts the car. _No, he’s fucking gorgeous_ is what I want to say.

“Not as much as you though,” it’s what I say instead. I don’t know if it’s a lie, they’re both stunning. He laughs and I know he got the message: I _don’t_ want to talk about him.

We drive while listening to the new Panic album and I lose myself on the view.

There are billions of building on this city but thanks to the fact we’re using on one of the biggest road to get to destination, I can see a hint of the sky already. Every second, it changes from light blue to white to light blue again and I fell claustrophobic.

Joshua curses under his breath when and idiot don’t use his direction lights, he’s always been a very responsible driver. I don’t recall how he looked the last time we saw each other (apart from really beautiful but that’s normal) because it was dark as hell and he always looks the same to me when he’s drunk. However, now that I have a while, I analyze his every feature. He doesn’t look that much different from the first time I met him three years ago. His face proportion is perfect, his jawline defined but not extremely, his nose small and round at the end, his eyelashes are impressively long and his eyebrows, probably, the most perfect I’ve ever seen.

He’s very different to Wonwoo but I think I’m starting to see what they have in common: they both look gentle and genuine, at least to me.

His lips are moving and I try to come back to reality and focus on what they’re trying to tell me.

“… you love me but I’ll prefer not to spend an hour on the car so can we please get out?”

I blink. We’ve arrived. “Sure.”

“My mother-in-law hates unpunctuality,” he winks, jerk.

I’ve always considered my house to be pretty normal. It has only one store (where Shua’s ex-house has two), it’s painted on a quite dark green and has wooden openings. The garden is tiny but a pink cherry tree makes it look bigger.

My back is sweating like crazy and I take a deep breath. Josh seems to notice how nervous I am because he places his hand on my shoulder and squishes a little. It helps.

My mum looks the same she’s always looked like: her straight really dark brown hair is pulled up on a ponytail, she's wearing jeans, a red sweater and one of her ‘that’s my son’ smiles. When she suddenly hugs me, I feel _huge_ , she had to be at least a head and a half shorter than me.

After caressing my check, she moves to Josh.

“You look as beautiful as ever,” I agree mom.

“Thanks, you look younger,” he winks, again.

Rolling her eyes, she guides us inside. The living room hasn’t changed at all but she _finally_ got reed of the door that leaded to my bedroom. It wasn’t just hideous, it also made so much noise, it was the worst. The kitchen is now cream and blue but, apart from that, nothing different.

The dinner table isn’t empty. The small body of my cousin Elly is sitting on it.

Oh no.

I turn right instantly but Joshua still looks composed. He’s smiling and waving at her, he’s good. I know he likes her but well, you know, it’s complicated.

“Oh my God, Junnie, your hair looks so good!” she stood up and before I could blink, was already standing next to me. She grabs a lock of my hair between two fingers. She’s as tall as my mum, her ginger hair has grown a lot and her smile is as warm as always. “Yours look just as good Shua but I’m not as shock,” she laughs.

Well, he does tend to dye his hair a lot. We sit down and I focus back on her. We’re the same age so we’ve always been pretty close. Once I started uni and she started working, we stopped hanging out as much. And, well, I guess all the Elly-Joshua-Jeonghan has to do with it too.

“So? How have you been? School? Work?"

Shua tells her all about the new TV show he was just hired to produce (did I ever mention he studied cinematography?) and I comment that I’m on a break right now because I passed all my exams. Mum brings tea pot and I stand up to look for the cups while my cousin asks about Seungcheol. When I sit back down, I consider that _maybe_ everything will be alright.

But I’m not stupid and I know I’m asking too much.

After a bit more of casual conversation, Elly smile grows. “I’m sorry I made you come all the way but,” there is when I realized that I’ve know exactly what we’re doing here since I saw her, “I really wanted to invite you personally. Han and I are getting married next January! We wanted to tell you together but he had to work all week and I couldn’t keep it from you any longer. It’s going to be on his parent’s house next to the lake and I’m so exited…”

I know she’s talking but Joshua is my top priority. I’ve never seen him like his. Not when we broke up, not when Jeonghan and Elly started dating, not even when the former moved out. He’s _devastated._ My heart hurts for him and I feel like calling Jeonghan and telling him he’s a fucking coward. Working? Working my ass.

But I’m the only one that can see it.

He’s faking it amazingly, smiling and nodding occasionally. His eyes are wet and I don’t know what I want to do first: hug him of get the fuck away from here, can I do both at the same time?

However, no matter how hard I hug him or how far away we go, there’s nothing me or anybody else can do to make him feel better.

Dinner is take-away pizza because my mum doesn’t feel like cooking and I have to say I’m a little disappointed, I miss her cooking. I have three slices, Josh has one. His right hand, in a fist, is resting on top of his tight and, almost unconsciously, I place mine on top and squish, just like he did to me. He squishes back.

He starts telling them a story of his childhood and I look at Elly’s hand. How didn’t I notice? There it is, simple but pretty, just like them. How is this even possible? Well, they’ve been dating for quite some time. Enough to get married? How the hell would I know, I think that depends on every relationship. Am I on an age where people start getting married? Well, I guess, again, I don’t know. Some of my ex-classmates already have kids. Why didn’t I see this coming? Well, maybe because I always thought Josh and Han were going to end up together, that’s how I thought it _should_ be.

But they’re not. Jeonghan is getting married and Joshua is getting his heart broken once more. Why can’t he fall for someone he _can_ be with? Well, who am I to talk, right?

“Well, what about you?” my mum asks me and I have no fucking clue what they’re talking about because I was too busy being sad.

“Mmmh?”

“For example, how’s life on your new apartment?”

“Oh, em,” I don’t want to lie to her so I say what I really think. “Pretty good actually, my roommates are incredible, you have to met them soon,” if it’s on my funeral because I died over being an extra asshole, even better.

“I’m so glad to hear that,” she knows I’m not being _completely_ honest to her but she doesn’t push it, she knows I’ll tell her when I feel comfortable doing so. Sorry mum, you’ll have to take the intrigue of this one to the grave with you. “Are you eating well?”

Finally, something I can answer with complete honesty. “So well. One of my roommates, Mingyu, is a gastronomy graduate and he’s magical,” that makes both her and Elly laugh, I’d love Joshua would have laughed as well but I could tell him the best joke invented by human kind right now and he wouldn’t even flinch.

I’ve missed my mum’s laugh. She’s always been my role model; I aspire to be even half the strong she is. She is a web designer and works from home and my dad is the head of the architecture’s school and spends lots of time out but they’ve always made it work. They divide the house chores and always make time for each other.

“Well then, I’ll have to go soon to taste heaven,” she doesn’t know how right she is.

“Sure,” maybe she can come on a Wednesday when Wonwoo is working, not because I don’t want her to meet him but because she can read me too well.

I feel pressure on my hand and Josh moves closer to me. “Talking about roommates and food, is my turn to make dinner and, even though I already ate, Seungcheol would kill me if I didn’t fulfil me duty,” he makes a funny face but I know he’s reached his limit.

“And you still have to drop me home, which is pretty far, so we should really get going.”

They walk us to the door and Elly hugs me tightly, telling me she’ll drop by on the new few weeks. I nod and respond that she can go by anytime she wants. My mum hugs me so thigh I fell like every bone in my body is going to break but I don’t care. She says she’s also dropping by soon and all I can do is nod because I miss her and being here, even though is was fucking hard, helped me. I don’t want to go back to reality, I really don’t.

When we drive away, the sound of sobbing fills the car. I don’t talk, I know that’s the opposite of what he needs right now so I simply put my hand on his right thigh, moving my fingers in circles; it’s the only way I find to comfort him.

“Want to stay at mine’s tonight?” maybe cuddling will help, I’m good at cuddling.

After a few seconds, he nods.

My phone, resting on my own leg, lights up with a text for Hao and my throat closes.

Well, this night is _so shit_.

 

 

 

> _Wonwoo_

I can’t believe what my eyes are seeing, as if they weren’t mine, as if I was a simple viewer on this whole situation, as if it wasn’t happening to me.

Her arms are wrapped around my torso before the air I’m breathing can reach my brain. She looks way tanner than I remember but, well, it’s almost spring in Greece. Her hair is longer, I noticed even though is all trapped on a French braid.

When she moves away, she frowns. “Is he dead?” her voice hasn’t changed a little bit (not like I expect for it to) and the question is asked to Mingyu, who’s now standing the closest to her. However, my roommate doesn’t answer, still looking towards my girlfriend with his mouth on a ‘o’ shape. “Are you all?”

Surprisingly, I’m the first to snap out of it. I caress her check and softly greet her. She smiles at me and everything should feel so normal but, for some reason, it doesn’t. I hate it, I hate how things have changed in such a short time.

“Oh my god!” Minghao sounds as if he was a paused movie and someone finally pressed his play bottom. He walks to Sally and she hugs him as well.

“Your hair, I can’t,” she picks a lock and inspects it really closely. The red has faded quite a bit now and it looks more like a bad dyed orange. “You look even cooler,” I agree.

“Tell us about Greece!” my other friend is back to normal as well and he’s full-on puppy mode.

We move towards the couches and Sally starts telling us all about it: the beaches, the architecture, the people. It’s been like half an hour but I still feel in a dream, this is too surreal. She looks so pretty, I can’t believe how much -even though she has been just as pretty since we met-. Her hair is lighter thanks to how expose she is to the sun almost all the time and I like it, it suits her. Her arms and legs look more muscular, most likely thanks to all the walking, climbing and other physical activities she’s been doing. She's the same Sally I’ve been sharing my life with for the past 5 years but, at the same time, she’s not. There’s something different about her and maybe it has to do with the fact we’ve never not seen each other for so long or maybe with the fact that she feels farer now than when she’s 12k km away.

“Where’s Jun? I want to meet him!” she's excited and I can blame her, I’ve told her all about him and, let’s be honest, he’s great.

“He went home today, something about his mum?” Mingyu made tea and it’s now serving it for the four of us. It’s weird to say that now even though two months ago was my everyday life. I feel in the past and probably that connects directly with the weird feeling on my stomach.

“Will he be back today? Tomorrow I have to go home to talk with my parents and all the drill, you know, I’m here for the weekend,” she laughs. “Hey, I travelled more than 10000 km to spend the weekend with you all, I sound like a rich kid,” that makes all of us laugh.

I do wonder if Jun will be back today but for different reasons than her. I know he hadn’t been home for a long time and, well, both him and his _ex_ were invited by his mum so, even if he didn’t tell me, he was worried about the whole situation.

However, on that exact moment, I hear the click of the keys on the door and so do the others. Sally is smiling but she won’t be for long.

Jun looks fucking sad, his eyes looking to the floor, and walks almost as if he was on auto-pilot. My heart accelerates and I’m ready to punch someone, Joshua probably. My rush conclusion, obviously, was mistaken. His ex looks even worse. His eyes are red and swollen and I really don’t know him at all but I’m pretty sure I can see his broken heart from my place on the couch.

“Hey,” my roommates voice is tiny and I have a flashback to when we first met. “That’s my room and the door you’ll see is the bathroom, I’ll be right there,” he’s talking to Joshua and the latter simply nods and walks were he was said to. There’s no greeting for us but I don’t really think any of us expected it to be.

Rubbing his temple, my friend walks to the kitchen, put water on the electric kettle, turns it on and grabs a tea pot before returning to us.

Now that I can see him better, he’s not sad, he’s tired. He looks as if all the energy on his body had been sucked out and replace with nothing at all. However, because he’s Jun, he goes to Sally’s side and introduces himself to her. She’s a mixture of happiness and worry but does the same.

“Baby, what happened?” Mingyu grabs his hand and Jun squishes it. I want to hug him.

“Short version? Jeonghan,” he lowers his voice, “is getting married shortly from now. He’s dated my cousin for a while but none of us thought it was _that_ serious, I guess,” he shrugs and the kettle beeps. Sighing, he smiles towards us. “I’ll be in my room if you need me but I’ll prefer to see you tomorrow,” a pause, a turn of his head, an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry we had to met this way,” maybe the situation made his shyness go away or maybe he’s not shy around Sally because, somehow, he knows her.

As he walks to the kitchen once more I realize I don’t want him to go, I want to hug him tightly, I want for him to tell me how the hell he really feels, how did everything with his mum went, everything.

Still, my mind knows that Minghao should be the one having that talk to him, he’s his _best friend_. Even Mingyu comes before me on this cases and it’s weird to think that we’re not _that_ close, we haven’t even been friends for even three moths. It’s heavy on my heart and, like I tend to do most of the time, hide it on the back of my brain so I don’t have to think about it.

The mood isn’t the same now so after a few more minutes of chatting, everyone goes to their rooms, Sally comes with me.

It’s weird to see her back on my bed but familiar, I like familiar. She has her bags with her so will she gets  into her pijamas, I get into the bathroom.

Joshua is crying, I know because Jun is whispering, I recognize his voice anywhere.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” there’s a sound that seems of the bed sheets, he probably moved. “Life’s shit, I know, but you have me, you’ll always have me and Seungcheol, we love you.”

That’s the last thing I hear from him and I finish washing quickly, I don’t want to ear-drop on their conversation, which is obviously pretty personal.

As I come back to my room, my girlfriend is already in bed, doing something on her phone. Sliding next to her, my arms hug her body.

“Hi,” I’m whispering as well. I don't know if the two on the other room can hear me right now but better prevent than have to cure latter.

“Hey you,” she rests on my chest and I start passing my fingers through her hair. It’s the same we’ve done for so long but, again, it’s not. It’s different. She’s changed and so have I. Even in such little time, we’re grown without the other around and it’s hard, it’s hard for me because for the last 5 years, we’ve grown with each other, we’ve grown together. She’s not another person and I still know her perfectly but small changes are still changes and I’m not used to it.

“Are you enjoying Greece?” while I place a kiss on the top of her head, her hair smells like salt and seaweed, different from the chestnut fragrance of her old shampoo.

“Very much, it’s amazing,” there’s silence everywhere and it’s a bit too much silence for me, I’m not the biggest fan of it. Sally and I never had this silence, we’ve always shares the same once I share with my three roommates.

“Wonwoo?” my eyes are closed but I’m not asleep. I nod. “I love you, you know that but…”

“But?” I’m tired, really tired. My head hurts and everything is too much.

“Nothing,” she comes closer to me and I know that’s not it. Although she’s changed a little, she’s still the Sally I know.

I can’t have any type of real conversation right know and I’m still the same Wonwoo, she knows me, maybe that’s why she stopped.

My heart travels to my throat and I know what’s coming, unconsciously at least. I don’t want for it to come so maybe if I don’t wake up tomorrow, it’ll never come.

We always wake up, I know that. I know I’m going to wake up tomorrow to something I don’t ever want to wake up. I’m crying, tears run down my checks but I breath and sigh.

Tomorrow.


End file.
